Hippies are lame. I mean, most people, they’d read something like that and think, ‘What an ignorant asshole! Doesn’t he know that hippies stand for peace, equality and love?’ Those people…dumb as rocks, and I’ll leave it at that. The first and main point I’d like to establish as a kind of through-idea throughout this post is that a hippie is the antithesis of everything bro. Am I calling bros war hawks, bigots and haters? No. Most war hawks, all bigots and all haters are fucking retarded (What’s good, Rahm E.?) and as I’ve established before, and will continue to establish and demonstrate throughout the existence of this blog, i.e. until the end of time, is that bros are smarter than everyone else... obviously that includes hippies.
So. We’ve established that bros are smart, and hippies dumb. ‘Why, Bronest,’ you ask me, ‘Why are hippies so dumb?’ Well I’ll tell you. First of all, hippies like to say they stand for peace and equality. The preceding sentence is chalk full of something bros like me like to call…(you guessed it, didn’t you?)…BULLSHIT. Hippies are disciples of the most elusive, repulsive and reprehensible forms of trendiness: One that’s entire premise is predicated upon the idea that it is not trendy. Fuck that. You know, I’m starting to think that maybe I should clarify something, throughout this post, when I’m using the term ‘hippie’ I’m talking about MODERN DAY hippies. So don’t come around spouting smarmy bullshit about how hippies started a social revolution in the sixties. REALLY!?! Yeah, I know.
The hippies I’m talking about are the kids on college campuses who sit around smoking weed looking like smarmy hipsters and who talk shit on the frat dudes playing intramural football and the athletes pounding booze at night. I’m talking about kids who wear shirts that say something like ‘I don’t have to pay for my friends.’ Really, hippie? Tell that to the girl who you buy weed for, but who never sucks your dick, because I’m telling you, dude, all she’s ever going to be is your friend. Now, what’s my issue with these kinds of hippies? Mostly, and to be honest, it’s the smarm. Hippies ooze with smarminess along with body odor and marijuana resin. Most hippies seem to have convinced themselves that it’s up to them to change the world…and most hippies think they’ll do this with an acoustic guitar. I have one question for these hippies, ‘HOW MANY FUCKING DAVE MATTHEWS BANDS DO YOU THINK THERE CAN BE!??’ Hippies LOVE to talk about how stupid bros are. Every bro knows this. Hippies can’t get enough of referring to bros as ‘dumb animals’ or some other similarly unoriginal insult. That might be my biggest problem with hippies, they’re SO unoriginal. ‘Now, what’s so original about a bro, anyway,’ you ask, ‘don’t bros pledge frats and play sports and follow the crowd?’ Now, some of the more open-minded hippies (very rare) might consider that to be a fair statement. It’s not. You think there’s any republican hippies out there? (I promise to NEVER get political on this blog, I’m just making a point.) No, there are not, because their hippie friends would disown them. You think there’s any hippies who oppose the legalization of marijuana? You think there’s any hippies that don’t like the acoustic guitar? Fuck no.
Now, I talk about hippie smarminess. Yet in almost all of our posts, and all of the posts we will ever write, we will expound upon and discuss and illustrate in detail the superiority of bros. Smarmy? Maybe, but I don’t think so. See, smarm…it sits, it ferments and it stews, like bong water or an un-flushed toilet…smarm sits there and just bubbles and tries to stink up a room. It doesn’t actually do anything. Smarm comes from convincing yourself you’re better than everyone else. A bro's feeling of superiority comes from proving it…on a goddamn daily basis.
Being a bro means that you grab life by the fucking horns and you ride it, and you ride it, and you RIDE it, and you sweat and you burn, and you booze, and you conquer…and then you booze. When’s the last time you saw a hippie sweat who wasn’t tripping balls with his shirt off twirling in a circle?? Being a hippie limits your chances of success…again, how many Jack Johnsons could there possibly be?? Being a bro increases your possibilities. Not to mention the fact that a lot of employers make you take a drug test to get a job…so I guess most hippies are waiting for full legalization to find a job?
Now, you might get the impression from the tone of this blog that I hate people who smoke weed, or that I hate weed itself. Wrong. Again, in my ability to see many sides of the same thing, I demonstrate my broness. Who hasn’t ripped a bong at a frat house? Who hasn’t ripped a joint with one of their bros? Not many, but that’s not the point. Again, the bro in this scenario demonstrates his superior outlook on life. A bro is just getting high and partying his face off…Hippies think that if they get high enough, they’ll change the world. Truth is, most hippies are just so high they can’t even figure out how to change their clothes.
I realized very shortly after starting this that this one might become a long rant. And as Vic mentioned in his first post, neither of us really think long diatribes have a place on this blog. So I’ll end it after the paragraph that follows.
Bros don’t like hippies because bros are out to accomplish – a bro has two big fears: 1) That he might not end up ruling the world, (this one is silly, obviously) 2) That he may not be able to booze while doing so, (again, silly, and unfounded). A hippie also has two big fears 1) That he might wind up pulling the ash through a bowl, and 2) Their dealer might be dry. That’s another funny thing about hippies, they all want to record an acoustic guitar album everyone is the world has already heard…but how many hippies do you know who actually even make an attempt at doing that? Maybe one, probably none. Hippies are smarmy at all times. Bros are better than everyone who isn’t a bro. There’s a big difference, and if you don’t get it, keep reading this blog.
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