Now, before you shit yourself because you just discovered that a dude writing for a blog that espouses the degradation of pretty much anyone that doesn't agree with a bro's world-view, rest assured that this son hasn't been born yet. But just know that, in 10 or so years, when I'm in my 30s, and my wife is a cool 21 and president of the Cheerleading Squad at DILLIGAF University, my 3 year old son will be uttering those very words.
That's goddamn fucking right. I am guaranteeing, right now, that my 3 year old son will be knowledgeable enough to understand that you either Bro Hard or Bro Home.
Now I understand that, up to this point, my sentence structure has left a lot to be desired. But this post right here might be the most important post I will ever write. So pay attention before I tea-bag your beer and then fuck your mom.
Every true bro on this planet knows that one of their biggest goals in life is to knock up the hottie that he will eventually marry and produce a bro-prodigy of his own. If you run into a "bro" who claims otherwise, one that would be "happy" with only daughters, then that "bro" is actually a "pussy in disguise". So feel free to punch him in the throat.
Let me clarify something. Your son, the future bro, does not have to emulate your every move. Bros are, after all, nothing if not trailblazers. Our bro ancestors used to spend their time conquering new frontiers, fighting fratty wars with bayonnets and fucking machetes, and had to drink their booze from bowling balls. We don't really do any of those things these days, but that's just evbrolution. Nowadays, we steal losers' frisbees and throw them on roofs, insult chicks from our porch while binge drinking, and throw kegs through windows. One version is not necessarily better than the other, for they both have merits.
You can sleep fine at night knowing that it's ok if you're not as lucky as me. And by that, I mean your mini-bro might not realize he's destined to be a bro by the time he's 3. It might take him until he's 6 and realizes that looking up girls' skirts is fucking awesome. Or he might not realize it until he realizes that obsessing over one's broner is the tits. But, let's say he gets to the age of 10 and loves art. And loves talking about his feelings. And respects others. Then you sir, have fucking FAILED. Turn in your bro card, cut off your dick, and die in an avalanche. Your kid is not a bro, so neither are you.
You're asking, "Well Vic, why is this such a bad thing? I'm a bro, isn't that enough?"
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FUCK NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know why that's NOT ok? Because you just added another waste of life to the majority of our non-bro population!! Non-bros, as Bronest alluded to, are a fucking dime a dozen. They get in our way, don't buy booze (killing our economy), and whine about all the cool shit that we're not afraid to do. Does that sound like someone you want on this planet?? Because it doesn't to me.
Right now, as Bronest said, there's about 1 bro for every 30 non-bros. Do you want to know why the non-bros haven't risen up against us bros yet? It's because they know that the odds are STILL stocked in our favor. In fact, I'd say us bros could withstand about 75:1 odds. But let's say that, in 3000 years, there are 100 non-bros for every 1 bro.
My bros: that is basically extinction for us.
So basically, by raising a loser non-bro with a hairless chest, you are fucking over your current bros. And that means you are not a bro. Capiche?
Do your duty as a bro, lay pipe on a 10, have her pop out a mini-dude. And groom that mother fucker into the Demi-God of a man that you know yourself to be. Have some goddam pride.
AMEN
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