Excuse me...while I erupt.

Now...I wish this wasn't true, and on some ethereal level it really isn't...but at the end of the day, bros...well, we're human. What does that mean? Well, for most people, (non bros) it means that they have certain needs - like the need for food, or water, or oxygen. For most people, (non bros) it means they experience emotions...love, sadness, longing, etc. But for the bro? Basically our humanity stopped the second we came out of the womb. The moment we gushed out of whatever vagina it was...the very moment we burst forth to frat out the world amid a cascade of blood, mucus and afterbirth...amid painful screams and the nervous chuckles of our more-than-likely fratty fathers...THAT, my friends...my bros...my minions...is when we stopped being human. And thus...bros have a certain affinity for that day. In the same way we fondly remember the first time we crushed pussy back when girls would fake being drunk beforehand so they wouldn't feel so bad about it...we bros look back upon our entrance into the world with a certain, special something, that of course, leads us to booze, profanity, and a general domination of the public at large.

Of course...this is why bros love birthdays. Bros love birthdays because they provide us with an excuse to get truly fratastic, and spew bro goo onto every single face that presents itself. See...the average civilian...they don't even realize that even when to them a bro seems incredibly offensive...that bro...he's still holding back. Not for the good of the civilians, but for the good of his fellow bros a bro will often refrain from, say, boozing from an open container when there's a police officer around, or screaming at field trips from all-girls private schools who aren't even old enough to know what a bro actually is. But on one of their bros birthdays? Not at all.

This past weekend Vic, myself and a whole crew of unnamed bro-heroes descented upon a certain eastern city for a birthday. Now...I originally thought I'd regale you all with the stories from the weekend...I thought I'd describe in specific, epic, and mind-blowing detail the events of the night, so that you may lean back in awe, sigh to yourself and attempt to recreate the weekend for yourself sometime. But then I realized...that this isn't some bullshit blog or website that glorifies the debauch merely for the sake of doing so. No...this blog is about so much more...it's about BROS...it's about why we do the things that we do...it's about how we operate within this world we've been born into...and it's about how we make an attempt everyday to live better than the rest. With that in mind, I will merely focus on why bros love their bros birthdays...why we will go to great lengths to participate in the festivities, and why we truly do not give a fuck when they happen. Because like I said...the true bro...he never really gives a fuck...but honestly? On the average binge...even though the true bro is dilligafing so hard he makes civilians shit themselves - to his fellow bros...he's just being normal.

Bros are strange. Bros are not ordinary. Bros are not one-in-a-million...but I'd say we're at LEAST one in thirty, and that's without any exaggeration whatsoever...which was hard for me to do, haha. So...a bro is at least one in thirty...maybe one in fifty, but that's not what's important. What IS important is that we aren't the average dude you see walking down the street. The important thing is that there's a certain difference between us, the bros, and the average person milling about in the world. Now, most people...well...most bros...well...ALL bros realize they're not ordinary. From there I think that most bros, they probably think that what sets them apart is how hard they booze...how hard they DILLIGAF...how little respect they have for social norms and expectations. Are bros with the stated opinion wrong? Not really...but they're not entirely correct, either. See...those things are SYMPTOMS of brohood - they are not the condition itself.

Everything that bros do...they do it...in a strange way...in a way that may seem nonsensical to an outsider. I'm speaking of the fact that bros do things for the future, regardless of how impulsive the action or sequence of events is. Now, of course, I don't mean that anything bros do while boozey and celebrating is necessarily planned, it is, almost always entirely spontaneous. What I'm talking about is that almost every bro out there is looking to make some kind of impact - we like the idea of having our actions related later, when we're not around. We like the idea of 'legend' ... most bros, they've probably got some kind of favorite famous person or historical figure, (mine's Aaron Burr...I'll let Vic tell you about his sometime) bros have these kinds of idols because, as I said, we like the idea of legends, significant bros who did something people could talk about. And with that in mind...we rock out the hardest birthday celebrations you could imagine...because we're not just boozing in those moments to celebrate a birthday...we're boozing in those moments to show the random people who stare at us aghast on sidewalks and in bars that we're doing something they might not necessarily be capable of: Operating with a total disregard for the onlooker. And in doing so...we affect the onlooker more than anyone else ever really does. Basically...when a normal person, (non bro) goes out on a weekend night...they probably go out to dinner, go to a bar and booze a little, and then go back to their apartment. And even if they get really blacked out, and even if they bring a girl home (both of which are unlikely for the non-bro) they really didn't have an affect on anyone but a couple people.

When a bro goes out...when he decides to let completely loose on an occasion like a birthday, he affects the entire world around him. And when we ride home from bars on metro trains, taxis, or even on foot...bros will laugh out loud and smile, and they'll be laughing about all the people they just dilligafed...and they'll laugh because they know that in a way, they just made history. Bros LOVE relating stories to each other, and our favorite stories are the ones that affected people outside the group:

"Yo...I don't know if you remember this...but when we were waiting for a table at dinner I was standing next to the door way asking people, "hey...you got a reservation?? No?? Well then...you better fuck off...because we all HAVE a goddamn resi...and we're not seated."

or

"Dude, I couldn't stand the way that guy was looking at me...so I leaned into his girlfriend and asked her at what point it was that she realized she dating a bone-smuggler."

or

"When I got to that girl's apartment, I for some reason gave all her roommates the finger and screamed, "DILLIGAF""

So bros love celebrating because it provides us all with yet another occasion to make a little bit of history... anonymously. Really...it's all just preparation...because by the time we bros are getting gray...we'll be, what? Running the world...like bros have always done, and someone's getting the torch passed to them...and I guaran-fucking-tee you all that it's not the guy ordering fruit-tinis and telling random girls they have pretty eyes - no...minions...it's the bros, as always.

-Bronest.

I took Vic's cue from last tuesday and got pretty boozey tonight, except...unlike last wednesday...tomorrow's not going to be a day when the whole world is snowed in...shiiiiiit.

-DILLIGAF.