Obviously, bros, we’re all over the world. Bros have disseminated themselves across the entire globe and dominated anything they’ve decided to do, because…they’re bros. From diplomatic relations to MNCs, bros are out there. And of course we’re all over this country as well. With fellow bros literally in every corner of the globe, you’d think they were very easy to find. Now, I’m not necessarily saying that they aren’t, I’m just saying that a bro has got to be a little careful when he first comes in contact with someone he thinks may or may not be a fellow bro.
Now I’ve done more than my share of bro-tripping, and Vic has dilligafed his way up and down the East coast at least a dozen times. And on all my trips, I feel like I have a few encounters with new bros I meet that go really well, and a few where at some point I realize I’ve been hanging out with a pussy in bros clothing. This is a fate I never want any good bros out there to deal with, so I thought I’d try and compile a list of bro dos and bro don’ts, so you can keep a better eye out.
BRO DON’TS:
1) Bros do not watch Grey’s Anatomy. Originally I was going to list every lame show bros don’t watch, but it’d take up too much space. Basically, if a posing bro mentions Grey’s Anatomy without an according amount of derogatory profanity as well – or if he talks about shows like ‘For the Love of Ray Jay’ and mentions anything but tig ol’ bitties – this dude is NOT a bro, and he’s not any fun to drink with, and he will ruin your life, and any chance you have with any of the girls at the bar.
2) Bros do not drink cosmopolitans, manhattans, daiquiris, wine coolers, smirnoff ice, mike’s hard lemonade, joose, or any other shitty, lame, fruity drink. If someone introduces their friend to you as a ‘bro’ and he even looks at one of these drinks, kick him in the balls, and don’t even feel bad when you do, because he doesn’t have any.
3) Bros do not complain about belligerent behavior and are not made uncomfortable by an utter disrespect for rules, authority and responsibility. Next time you’re pissing in the middle of the floor at a bar, or knocking over newspaper bins, or screaming ‘FUCK’ or ‘DILLIGAF’ at the top of your lungs, look around, some guys will be laughing their asses off and saying ‘fuck yeah’ others will be cringing, or walking away quickly. The bros in that scenario are obvious.
4) Bros are NOT selfish. ‘What?’ you ask me, ‘But, Bronest, bros are notoriously selfish, as they should be, right?’ Well, minions…yes and no. See, a bro is selfish as fuck when it comes to non-bros, (more on that later) but pretty selfless when it comes to fellow bros. Basically, if you’re on your travels and you meet up with an old friend, and he brings some of his boys along, listen to what the new dudes say. If they say I a lot…I’d start getting suspicious. See, a bro should be saying we, like, ‘We should drink a lot more,’ ‘We should pick up two rounds of shots instead of one,’ ‘We should pound another beer,’ ‘We should rip a line,’ ‘We should pick up those chicks,’ ‘We should go offend those innocent, senior-citizen bystanders.’ Get it? Got it? Good.
5) Bros do not tap out early. Now, I’m not saying that bros don’t pass out, and maybe even sometimes pass out before their bros think it’s time – because, shit, at the tail end of a huge bender, even the beastliest of bros can fall short. That’s not what I’m talking about. I said ‘tap-out,’ by that I mean that bros don’t give up early. When you ‘pass-out,’ you rode the high-proof wave till it broke, and you crashed and burned, and you probably pissed yourself. When you ‘tap-out,’ you say something like, ‘Guys, that was my last one, I’ve got to get home,’ or something like, ‘Man, I’m tired, I don’t think I’ll go out and drink tonight.’ That’s tapping out, that’s not only not catching the wave, it’s not even showing up to the beach, and bros…are always ready to go.
BRO DO’S:
1) Again, I’d love to list all the shows that bros love, but it’d take up too much space. Basically bros like shows that are good, and I’ll just leave it at that.
2) Bros drink beer, and bros drink booze. And when a bro drinks a mixed drink, he’ll be drinking STRONG. We’re talking double Jack and cokes, double gin and tonics, long island iced teas, pitchers upon pitchers of margaritas, and yes, bros, I’d put the martini in this category. Vodka martini preferably. I feel like some bros are torn on this one, and I even had a girl tell me once she thought it was a pussy drink, (the whore). My question to you, bros, is, what isn’t bro-tastic about four shots of vodka basically straight? Throw back five or six, and even the strongest bros will start blacking out. But most importantly, as far as bros are concerned, it’s not so much about the drink itself, as how the drink is drunk. Bros drink with a purpose…to black out and get rowdy and get the weight of running the world off our shoulders. Because, yes, minions, bros run the world.
3) (This one is a combination response to numbers 3&4 above) Bros not only lack any aversion to breaking rules, swimming well outside social mores, and dilligafing the public, they have a passion for it. And like everything else bros do, we do this with a purpose. This gets at that selfless side of bros that nobody but fellow bros ever see. See, when a bro is getting belligerent when he’s out with his bros, a part of him might be doing that for himself, (as Vic demonstrated so deftly in the previous post) but there’s also a large component of his reasoning that is all about his fellow bros. See, the belligerent bro knows that in dilligafing, he knows that in breaking shit, being offensive to random passerby, that in shouting at the top of his lungs like a beast in the street – he’s giving his fellow bros a better night. Because what, at the end of the day do bros love almost more than anything else?? Stories, minions…bros fucking LOVE good stories. And when a bro gets belligerent, he’s giving his fellow bros something epic to relate the next morning.
4) Lastly – bros rock out until there’s nothing left to rock. Bros rage and rage until the tank is completely empty, (or filled, depending on your metaphor). You’re not going to see a bro consistently checking his watch when he’s out on a binge with his bros. ‘Why?’ You ask me. Well…see, contrary to beliefs spread by bro-hating douchebags who hate bros because we’re just funnier, stronger, wittier and generally more successful and entertaining, which makes us bros, after all – bros are productive. Again, bros run the world. So chances are you’re not going to see a bro out bingeing when he’s got work early. Sure, he’ll probably be throwing some back at home, or drinking out at a sports bar casually, but when a bro shows up to rock, he’s never going to stop…well, he’s never going to stop willingly. Bros party and drink until their body turns off and they shut down and they end up sleeping until the next afternoon. And a bro never has to feel guilty about passing out, because he knows he did well by his bros and stuck by them until he wasn’t physically capable of doing so.
SO! The point of this post?!? This post is mostly geared to the bros like me, who have spent the better part of the past couple years shuttling around the country chasing glory and opportunity. Every time you show up in a new city, bros – people at school, work, wherever, they’re going to be immediately drawn to you, because you’re a bro, and you represent the epitome of the American drive to rock out with your balls out in all things. This is great. It’s great to be a bro and have people immediately recognize your superiority in a new place. This is also shitty at times. It’s shitty to be momentarily fooled by a posing bro, who tells you he likes to party and he knows the good spots around town – who tells you he’s got a ‘crazy group of bros’ that he goes on benders with…only to find out that his version of a bender is having a few beers with dinner and then cracking open some wine coolers and watching an entire season of The O.C. on DVD with his ‘bros’ at his apartment. This fate, or one similar, has befallen me before, minions, and I would NEVER want it to happen to you. So when you’re gallivanting around the country and the world, keep this list in mind, and be wary of those who attempt to emulate you, but who are nothing like you. It’s not necessarily that they’re awful people, (but…let’s be honest) it’s just that they have their place and we have ours. Because at the end of the day it’s better to drink with one bro than none at all, i.e. yourself – as, yet again, Vic has shown so masterfully.
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