I'm sure you will all be shocked by this, but I didn't exactly feel great after last night's blackout mission when I woke up this afternoon. Yes, I said afternoon. I went to bed at 5 AM after all, which is late for non-bros, but pretty standard for a bro such as yours truly. When I woke up, I had this sinking feeling that the snow had stopped and that I wouldn't get to pound 25 frat sodas this evening because I would have work tomorrow (Thursday). But I was relieved to see a whitewash outside my window. Nevermind all the moronic non-bros that A) either had to work today or B) were stupid enough to get caught in this weather. If they crashed and their car exploded and they and their entire family disintegrated... well that's just evolution friends. People like that don't deserve to live.
But, anyways, I was feeling like shit. So, after scratching my junk, almost throwing up from the taste of Evan W in my mouth, and then again almost throwing up again upon looking in the mirror, my first inclination was to throw heavy weights around the room and get my swell on. Now, honestly, at first I didn't understand what made this desire come to pass. I legit felt like there was a family of Pakistanis gnawing away at my insides. My head hurt. And I smelled like The Jersey Shore's Ronnie after a work out (by the way, if you think that will be the last J Shore reference in this post, then you are dead wrong).
My lift started slowly. I thought I was going to pass out when I did decline press, for example. However, after time, I started gaining strength. And I didn't feel so bad about myself. And then it struck me why bros love lifting so much:
1) It's a perfect fucking hangover cure and 2) It helps us justify pumping thousands of calories and carbs into our bodies every night, because we don't think we're getting as fat as we really are.
Now, point #1 might not be foreign to you, bros. In fact, it is a commonly held theory amongst bros everywhere. However, non-bros (we call them Scientists) have "disproved" this bro-tested theory. Saying lactic acid gathering in the muscles, combined with further dehydration from perspiring, will actually intensify the symptoms of a hangover. Well, I have an answer to that: the asshole Scientists were doing their experiments on Dungeon Masters and clueless idiots who still use MySpace-- aka complete non-bros who never punish their bodies like we bros do. Bottom line, by the end of my workout, I felt like Superman. Except, in my case, when I looked in the mirror I saw SuperBro. And I wasn't wearing a gay set of leotards.
Point #2 is a bit of a new theory on my part. You see, we bros KNOW that drinking excessively night after night after night is detrimental to our physical health (we may have been born at night, but we weren't born last night, as the saying goes). So, to justify this punishment, we throw weights around, tell everyone we know that we did it, and then drink 30 beers with no trepidation. Because we worked out.
You may be asking, "does doing the Elliptical, or rowing machine, or jumping rope count?" Well, I have an answer: "Get the fuck off this site. Because you are not a bro, your parents acknowledge you were a mistake, and you want to be a wizard. I hate you." No, cardio does not belong in the Bro's list of "Dos and Donts" (seen below). The only cardio we bros get is 1) running from cops, 2) leaving a one night stand by running away before she awakens, 3) Intramural sports, aka segue ways into drinking once we dominate some losers, 4) lifting other bros up to do keg stands over and over again and 5) "roughing up the suspect", which I will explain at some point down the road.
Hey dork. Good luck getting that girl to sleep with you now that she knows you're gay.
Now, you are certainly asking yourself 2 questions. First, "when will he mention the Jersey Shore again", and second, "aren't there fat bros who just don't care about working out"?
I will breach etiquette and answer your second question first. Yes. Bros can be fat. It shows they don't give a fuck and it shows that they recognize that they can lay pipe without looking like Brad Pitt in Troy. That's actually a VERY bro attitude. And it ties in with my second answer perfectly.
The star of Jersey Shore, which all bros know to be "The Situation" is *sort* of a bro. But definitely not a full bro. You know why this is? Because he clearly realizes that there's no way he could get chicks if he didn't look like he was carved out of granite. He's a moron, while bros are geniuses. Some bros have the uncanny knack of making up for their lacking physique by mentally convincing a hot chick that he's actually WAY out of her league, and that he'd be doing her a favor by spreading his seed on her tits.
So there you have it. Now you know why bros love the bench press, hammer curls, and weighted pull ups. It just makes us remember that we're great... even when we're feeling like shit.
-VM
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