Bronest very eloquently summarized the virtues of bro-living. After reading his post, I ran out of my apartment, took off all my clothes, and brutally slaughtered a fully-grown steer and drank its blood.
I don't really want to dwell too long on introducing myself; lengthy diatribes are something I'm going to strive to avoid on this blogging go-round. I'll just say this, however: if you're not a clueless moron, you know there is a veritable glut of sites extolling the virtues of not giving a fuck, drinking tons, and banging hot chicks. I'm not sure how or if this site will be different or better; but in the hands of true-blue bros, there's no doubt it will still be great one way or another.
So, with that said, let's get into it.
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The Federal Government is shut down after another weekend storm. There are piles of snow stacked 6, 7, 8 feet high outside. The city has already exhausted its snow removal budget for the winter season. And guess what, there's another storm prepared to dump more than a foot of snow on top of that. Honestly, God is just fucking with us now. But in any event, hurricane-like winds, driving snow, ice, and bitter-cold temperatures are on the horizon. When all is said and done, society as we know it will ground to a deafening halt. We're about to get snowed in. And we're bros, so you know we've gotta stock up.
For guys in the know, what I'm talking about is already clear. But for aspiring bros, and closet bros, you might be a bit confused. I clearly am not talking about buying gallons of water, canned foods, and other non-perishable food products; I can honestly live without any of those things for days, weeks, and even months. But the one thing I can honestly not live without during a snow storm... is booze.
Yesterday, still feeling crippled by the side effects of a 4 day bender (because of the storm, you see, followed by the Super Bowl, followed by having work canceled on both Friday and Monday), I made the uncharacteristic mistake of choosing a visit to the grocery store before a visit to the Liquor Store. Well, as you can imagine, I immediately regretted my momentary slip in judgment. Because when I walked into the grocery store, dozens of non-bros, closet bros, and women (clueless as always) were "stocking up" with cheese, butter, milk, and other food products. I was disgusted with myself, immediately turned around, was heard to utter "fuck this", and took a B-line to the bro haven that is the liquor store.
Now, what I purchased there was not important. There are several guidelines I follow for snow-storm booze compiling. 1) Too much is ALWAYS better than not enough. I think one of my worst nightmares is being stuck somewhere without any booze. When I die, I'm pretty sure my punishment will be an eternity stuck inside with no booze. 2) Depending on how long you're going to be stuck, variety is of utmost importance. Sure, I love smashing through case after case of swilly light beers, but some bros like to watch calories and/or prefer the finer drinks in life, like whiskey, gin, and vodka. And honestly, that's pretty much what you need to know when you "stock up".
But let's say for a second that the storm you get caught in is particularly epic and exceeds all forecasts for damage. In spite of all proper planning ahead, you and your bros might find yourselves exhausting your goods more quickly than you had expected. Uh oh. For losers with a confidence problem, this might be an issue. But you're a bro, so you've got this covered. Should you find yourself snowed-in without booze or beers, under no circumstance should you accept your lot in life. After all, when you get numerous bros in a confined area without booze, all they're going to do is fight each other and destroy things (which is what we do anyways, but at least when we're drunk we forget large details). Strap on your snow shoes, toss on some ridiculous animal skin hat, and fucking make as our ancestors did and brave the elements to reach a new frontier. A new frontier of drunkenness.
So with that said, pour one out for the snow... down your throat that is. Because you don't want to waste a perfectly good beer.
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