Now...MOST bros...they love the olympics. Now, I say 'most' and not 'all' bros because for whatever reason, not every bro gets that into them. In a way I understand that, and in a way I don't. See...I feel like the bros who don't watch the olympics probably never watched them, so they don't really have that same awe for them as those bros among us who grew up watching them have. And, surely there are many bros who'd rather just be out bar-hopping, boozing, dilligafing the world and so on. Obviously...I applaud that. What's hard for me to understand is how any bro could fail to recognize how just...fucking purely BRO so much about the olympics really is. Take the US beating, (crushing) Canada the other night in hockey for example. Now...I witnessed that game from a couch while sucking on a bottle of whiskey like it was the last titty I'd ever get to touch. And let me tell you...those dudes were broing their fucking faces off...
- Now...to me that looks like a bunch of bros celebrating a new keg stand record...or the fact that one of them just went balls deep in somebody's sister. That picture reminds me of a bunch of bros back from an especially impressive performance at the local bar. It's the most classic of bro moments, the kind of moments when bros have a rare look at themselves, and just how badass it is to be a bro. Now, I doubt I need to say this, but I am of course, not talking about women's hockey...I'm talking about U.S. Bros Hockey. I'm not going to talk about the score, because you should already know...and even if you don't, all you really need to be aware of is that we won. I'm not a sports journalist...I write about bros - so I'm not going to talk about the game in particular...it's just an example of how BRO the olympics can really be.
Another bro star from these olympics? Obviously...Bode Miller. Now, Bode Miller is a notorious bro. At the last winter olympics...he didn't win any medals, but when asked how he felt about the olympics he replied, "It's been good. It's really cool to party at an olympic level." Wow, Bode...baller. This time around, I guess he decided to win some medals too, and he's been kicking ass the whole time - and yes, bros, I'm sure he's still boozing hard.
Now...you may be wondering what's so BRO about the olympics besides just these two amazing examples. A ludicrous question, but a question nonetheless. Of course, I couldn't list off every thing that I find brocinating about the olympics, but it's not about anecdotal evidence, it's really just about the olympics themselves. If there's one thing bros do...it's play to win. Bro Hard Or Bro Home, remember? Now, people like to spout off about sportmanship and stuff like that...and well...while that's all well and good, we all know that what the olympics is really about is a bro (most likely from the United States) getting a chance to stand up on a podium with a medal around his neck and look out at everyone who lost and say, "I'm better than you, bro, and I know it." Not to mention the fact that the national anthem is...as Vic put it so eloquently to me in a text message recently:
Vic: "National Anthem: Frattiest song ever...period."
So bros...go get yourself a thrity rack...or a bottle of booze, and sit back and drunkenly take these olympics in while they're still on. And if you hear some non-bro asshole at work talking about how he couldn't watch because there was an episode of 'Grey's' or 'Desperate Housewives' on...take a sip of that spiked coffee, and revel in your brodom.
Alright, fuckheads. I've been posting on BHOBH for about 2 weeks now, and I still don't have a calling-card recurring topic. So I've decided that I will start doing that, right here, right now.
And the irony of my first entry into this ongoing series of posts is... that I myself am engaging in exactly what this topic discusses.
But before I get into the semantics of today's activity, I want to explain the purpose behind these posts.
Non-bros actually do a lot of the things that us bros do. I know, I am as shocked as you are at hearing these words. Unfortunately, they DO hang out at bars. They DO watch bro sports like football. They DO occasionally have sex with females (and each other, zingaahhh). But you know why us bros are better than them? Because we do all of those things; we do them better; and we do things that their puny non-bro brains can't even fathom.
And the first such activity that I'd like to discuss is: Sunday Drinking.
Now, listen bros. I just want to get this out of the way early on. It took me many years to realize the merits of Sunday Drinking. Even when I was in college, I used to use Sundays to recover from the weekend and to prepare for my classes. Little did I know back then that Sundays were actually the most underrated day for getting smashed.
I now have a job and I am proud to say that I always show up to work on Mondays looking and smelling like a homeless guy who got owned by some other bro (smashing me over the head with a bottle of Evan W). Now, it's hard to explain exactly why Sunday boozing is so goddamn appealing. But here's my theory:
Everybody hates Mondays. Everybody hates Mondays-Thursdays, in fact. But because Mondays are the most hated day of the week, I feel like everyone understands if you want to get some liquid courage before ass-fucking the work week. In addition, we are quick to forget that Sundays are part of the weekend too. Meaning we should use the day to do whatever the fuck we feel like doing. And you know what you feel like doing (if you're a bro)? Binge drinking.
Now, why does Sunday Drinking set us bros apart from the spineless newts, aka non-bros? Because those pussies are simply too afraid to engage in it. They want to get an "A" in class participation on Monday. They want to put together a nice inventory report for their boss on Monday. They legitimately think that showing up to work or school sober will get them ahead in life. Us bros know the opposite to be true. We know that, by chugging frat sodas, watching Predator for the 6 millionth time, and rooting on US Olympians we've never heard of, we are actually the ones getting ahead. Because in the end, that's really all that counts. In essence, it is the perfect embodiment of the DILLIGAF life style. And, if you are confused by this foreign term "DILLIGAF", allow the below video to enlighten you. So enjoy that, and crack open your 13th Miller Lite. There's Sunday Drinking to do:
Bronest here - and I've been doing like Bronest does...boozing and contemplating the 'BRO.'
Now...this post is an addition to the 'Bros Don't' list - but this one is so epic that there's going to be an entire post dedicated to it. Are you ready, bros?? Are you??
Drumroll......
.....roll a little longer because you're a bro....
....roll a little longer because you're boozey.....
BROS DO NOT WHINE.
I want you to ask yourself...bros...is there a 'bro' in your crew of broheems who always seems a little more sensitive then the rest? Is there a bro in your group of friends who just doesn't seem as comfortable with the way the rest of you comport yourselves? Is there a bro amongst you whom you almost feel nervous around...because you never quite know if you're going to offend him or not?
Unfortunately...this is an issue for many bros across the country and the world. A lot of bros seem to feel like every joke, every action, every DILLIGAF would just go much more smoothly if one particular bro wasn't so sensitive...if maybe he wasn't so prone to lashing out because he feels hurt by something. For the lucky bros who have no clue what I'm talking about...let me tell you...this is tragic. FUCKING...TRAGIC. This scenario is tragic like Katrinia, or 9-11...it's devastating like an indo-asian tsunami...it's crushing like a hatian earthquake. Need I go further? Bros...this is rough.
Now, I feel your pain, bros. Basically, if you're finding yourself in this scenario...the first thing I would do would be to question the validity of your man's bro-card. But is that all there is to it? I'm not so sure, bros. See...some bros...they love the idea of being a bro...they love the idea of dilligafing the world at large, and they love the idea of just dominating every civilian with their brodom. The problem with some 'bros' ? ...They're not necessarily ready to pay the price for such a prestigious standing in society. See...because a bro...he's got to be ready to fuck with all of his bros...and all of his bros are going to fuck with him non-stop. Is this because we don't like our fellow bros?? BULLSHIT. We LOVE our fellow bros...which is why we fuck with them...because we know...(I wonder how many times I'll reiterate this point throughout this blog)...that BROS are the one's who run the world. Pussies can't do it. And so it falls on bros to change the human universe. And so we fuck with our bros, just to prep them for the struggles to come. Here's an example of a text conversation I just had with a bro-hero of epic proportions :
ME: "Well, catch the fuck up you bone smuggling, ass eating, cock gobbler!"
BRO: "Now...that's just offensive."
ME: "Yeah, well...tell it to your priest while he fucks your ruby star fruit."
BRO: "Actually, bro...my priest is the catcher."
Just...I mean, I'd analyze that for you...if this weren't a blog for bros. So there's no need for me to explain the fact that this is classic bro-banter.
The point!!!????? BROS...they can handle mad offensive...sick shit like that. A non-bro?? He would've told me how uncool it was to rip on his religion...he would have told me how amoral it was to make a joke about pedophilia. But a bro understands that the world has no such morals, and in order to dominate it, you must be able to rock back and bust nuts just as fat. So...for all the bros out there who have an overly-sensitive bro in your group of friends...ask him to verify his broitude...either by boozing in public outside a church on a Sunday afternoon...or just rip on him over and over until he either cries, renounces his brohood...or comes back at you and tells you all the ways he'd love to rape and murder your mother. In the first scenario...you weed out a posing bro. In the second...you bring a bro through broberty and into adulthood.
Want to know who said the above quote? My son. And he knows what the fuck he's talking about.
Now, before you shit yourself because you just discovered that a dude writing for a blog that espouses the degradation of pretty much anyone that doesn't agree with a bro's world-view, rest assured that this son hasn't been born yet. But just know that, in 10 or so years, when I'm in my 30s, and my wife is a cool 21 and president of the Cheerleading Squad at DILLIGAF University, my 3 year old son will be uttering those very words.
That's goddamn fucking right. I am guaranteeing, right now, that my 3 year old son will be knowledgeable enough to understand that you either Bro Hard or Bro Home.
Now I understand that, up to this point, my sentence structure has left a lot to be desired. But this post right here might be the most important post I will ever write. So pay attention before I tea-bag your beer and then fuck your mom.
Every true bro on this planet knows that one of their biggest goals in life is to knock up the hottie that he will eventually marry and produce a bro-prodigy of his own. If you run into a "bro" who claims otherwise, one that would be "happy" with only daughters, then that "bro" is actually a "pussy in disguise". So feel free to punch him in the throat.
Let me clarify something. Your son, the future bro, does not have to emulate your every move. Bros are, after all, nothing if not trailblazers. Our bro ancestors used to spend their time conquering new frontiers, fighting fratty wars with bayonnets and fucking machetes, and had to drink their booze from bowling balls. We don't really do any of those things these days, but that's just evbrolution. Nowadays, we steal losers' frisbees and throw them on roofs, insult chicks from our porch while binge drinking, and throw kegs through windows. One version is not necessarily better than the other, for they both have merits.
You can sleep fine at night knowing that it's ok if you're not as lucky as me. And by that, I mean your mini-bro might not realize he's destined to be a bro by the time he's 3. It might take him until he's 6 and realizes that looking up girls' skirts is fucking awesome. Or he might not realize it until he realizes that obsessing over one's broner is the tits. But, let's say he gets to the age of 10 and loves art. And loves talking about his feelings. And respects others. Then you sir, have fucking FAILED. Turn in your bro card, cut off your dick, and die in an avalanche. Your kid is not a bro, so neither are you.
You're asking, "Well Vic, why is this such a bad thing? I'm a bro, isn't that enough?"
You know why that's NOT ok? Because you just added another waste of life to the majority of our non-bro population!! Non-bros, as Bronest alluded to, are a fucking dime a dozen. They get in our way, don't buy booze (killing our economy), and whine about all the cool shit that we're not afraid to do. Does that sound like someone you want on this planet?? Because it doesn't to me.
Right now, as Bronest said, there's about 1 bro for every 30 non-bros. Do you want to know why the non-bros haven't risen up against us bros yet? It's because they know that the odds are STILL stocked in our favor. In fact, I'd say us bros could withstand about 75:1 odds. But let's say that, in 3000 years, there are 100 non-bros for every 1 bro.
My bros: that is basically extinction for us.
So basically, by raising a loser non-bro with a hairless chest, you are fucking over your current bros. And that means you are not a bro. Capiche?
Do your duty as a bro, lay pipe on a 10, have her pop out a mini-dude. And groom that mother fucker into the Demi-God of a man that you know yourself to be. Have some goddam pride.
Now...I wish this wasn't true, and on some ethereal level it really isn't...but at the end of the day, bros...well, we're human. What does that mean? Well, for most people, (non bros) it means that they have certain needs - like the need for food, or water, or oxygen. For most people, (non bros) it means they experience emotions...love, sadness, longing, etc. But for the bro? Basically our humanity stopped the second we came out of the womb. The moment we gushed out of whatever vagina it was...the very moment we burst forth to frat out the world amid a cascade of blood, mucus and afterbirth...amid painful screams and the nervous chuckles of our more-than-likely fratty fathers...THAT, my friends...my bros...my minions...is when we stopped being human. And thus...bros have a certain affinity for that day. In the same way we fondly remember the first time we crushed pussy back when girls would fake being drunk beforehand so they wouldn't feel so bad about it...we bros look back upon our entrance into the world with a certain, special something, that of course, leads us to booze, profanity, and a general domination of the public at large.
Of course...this is why bros love birthdays. Bros love birthdays because they provide us with an excuse to get truly fratastic, and spew bro goo onto every single face that presents itself. See...the average civilian...they don't even realize that even when to them a bro seems incredibly offensive...that bro...he's still holding back. Not for the good of the civilians, but for the good of his fellow bros a bro will often refrain from, say, boozing from an open container when there's a police officer around, or screaming at field trips from all-girls private schools who aren't even old enough to know what a bro actually is. But on one of their bros birthdays? Not at all.
This past weekend Vic, myself and a whole crew of unnamed bro-heroes descented upon a certain eastern city for a birthday. Now...I originally thought I'd regale you all with the stories from the weekend...I thought I'd describe in specific, epic, and mind-blowing detail the events of the night, so that you may lean back in awe, sigh to yourself and attempt to recreate the weekend for yourself sometime. But then I realized...that this isn't some bullshit blog or website that glorifies the debauch merely for the sake of doing so. No...this blog is about so much more...it's about BROS...it's about why we do the things that we do...it's about how we operate within this world we've been born into...and it's about how we make an attempt everyday to live better than the rest. With that in mind, I will merely focus on why bros love their bros birthdays...why we will go to great lengths to participate in the festivities, and why we truly do not give a fuck when they happen. Because like I said...the true bro...he never really gives a fuck...but honestly? On the average binge...even though the true bro is dilligafing so hard he makes civilians shit themselves - to his fellow bros...he's just being normal.
Bros are strange. Bros are not ordinary. Bros are not one-in-a-million...but I'd say we're at LEAST one in thirty, and that's without any exaggeration whatsoever...which was hard for me to do, haha. So...a bro is at least one in thirty...maybe one in fifty, but that's not what's important. What IS important is that we aren't the average dude you see walking down the street. The important thing is that there's a certain difference between us, the bros, and the average person milling about in the world. Now, most people...well...most bros...well...ALL bros realize they're not ordinary. From there I think that most bros, they probably think that what sets them apart is how hard they booze...how hard they DILLIGAF...how little respect they have for social norms and expectations. Are bros with the stated opinion wrong? Not really...but they're not entirely correct, either. See...those things are SYMPTOMS of brohood - they are not the condition itself.
Everything that bros do...they do it...in a strange way...in a way that may seem nonsensical to an outsider. I'm speaking of the fact that bros do things for the future, regardless of how impulsive the action or sequence of events is. Now, of course, I don't mean that anything bros do while boozey and celebrating is necessarily planned, it is, almost always entirely spontaneous. What I'm talking about is that almost every bro out there is looking to make some kind of impact - we like the idea of having our actions related later, when we're not around. We like the idea of 'legend' ... most bros, they've probably got some kind of favorite famous person or historical figure, (mine's Aaron Burr...I'll let Vic tell you about his sometime) bros have these kinds of idols because, as I said, we like the idea of legends, significant bros who did something people could talk about. And with that in mind...we rock out the hardest birthday celebrations you could imagine...because we're not just boozing in those moments to celebrate a birthday...we're boozing in those moments to show the random people who stare at us aghast on sidewalks and in bars that we're doing something they might not necessarily be capable of: Operating with a total disregard for the onlooker. And in doing so...we affect the onlooker more than anyone else ever really does. Basically...when a normal person, (non bro) goes out on a weekend night...they probably go out to dinner, go to a bar and booze a little, and then go back to their apartment. And even if they get really blacked out, and even if they bring a girl home (both of which are unlikely for the non-bro) they really didn't have an affect on anyone but a couple people.
When a bro goes out...when he decides to let completely loose on an occasion like a birthday, he affects the entire world around him. And when we ride home from bars on metro trains, taxis, or even on foot...bros will laugh out loud and smile, and they'll be laughing about all the people they just dilligafed...and they'll laugh because they know that in a way, they just made history. Bros LOVE relating stories to each other, and our favorite stories are the ones that affected people outside the group:
"Yo...I don't know if you remember this...but when we were waiting for a table at dinner I was standing next to the door way asking people, "hey...you got a reservation?? No?? Well then...you better fuck off...because we all HAVE a goddamn resi...and we're not seated."
or
"Dude, I couldn't stand the way that guy was looking at me...so I leaned into his girlfriend and asked her at what point it was that she realized she dating a bone-smuggler."
or
"When I got to that girl's apartment, I for some reason gave all her roommates the finger and screamed, "DILLIGAF""
So bros love celebrating because it provides us all with yet another occasion to make a little bit of history... anonymously. Really...it's all just preparation...because by the time we bros are getting gray...we'll be, what? Running the world...like bros have always done, and someone's getting the torch passed to them...and I guaran-fucking-tee you all that it's not the guy ordering fruit-tinis and telling random girls they have pretty eyes - no...minions...it's the bros, as always.
-Bronest.
I took Vic's cue from last tuesday and got pretty boozey tonight, except...unlike last wednesday...tomorrow's not going to be a day when the whole world is snowed in...shiiiiiit.
Greetings, Bros. I'm Vic Mackey, and I am in the latter stages of a 10 day Boozcation.
Yes, friends. the Government is up and running tomorrow. They are operating with a delayed arrival and allowing for Unscheduled Leave.
For a non-bro, this presents a dilemma. Does one go in to put in one meaningless day of "work" aka waahing about the snow and having to catch up on work? Or does one utilize that little loophole that the Feds mistakenly put in the equation? Those two words "Unscheduled Leave".
Well, if I wasn't a bro, I might be inclined to join the rat race and spend hours of my precious time getting to work tomorrow. I might stay sober tonight and get a good night's sleep so I am well rested for the work day.
But I'm a fucking bro. And fucking bros don't play like that.
What I, a bro of extreme renown, did was inform my boss that I was going out of town this weekend and that coming into DC would be a tremendous hassle. Well, guess what, I am going out of town. But the town I'm going to is WASHINGTON DC! Because we're celebrating Bronest's birthday. Oh the irony. So pungent.
But anyways, that was the cap to your boy's Snowmageddon experience. And now, I will ramble a bit about how a bro survives multiple snowstorms.
Obviously your first step is to "stock up". That much is simple. It has also already been addressed, so I won't dive back into that one. Next, you must drink your stocked materials. Oh sure, you can take breaks, but just make sure that your breaks are only taken because you are on life support from liver failure. The bottom line is that, if they invented such a thing as "Snowstorms sans Booze", the world's suicide rate would be near 95%. Must. Drink. Constantly.
Third, sometimes it gets redundant to swill booze non-stop. I know, I know, radical claim. However, any true blue bro knows this to be true. So, for that reason, other paraphernalia comes into the picture. (Yes, that is the proper spelling and yes I had to google it because I mispelled it 6 times. What the fuck is that "r" doing there before "nalia" anyways?) Now, a lot of bros differ on their opinions of which type of "Booze Balancer" they like. For some bros, it's marijuana. For others, it's the other kind of snow. For me, it is dipping tobacco. I know, that's kind of pussy shit for a bro, but trust me, I've experienced the other kinds of 'nalia, and this one just suits me best.
Fourth, maintain constant access to pornographic materials. That's self explanatory, in my opinion.
Fifth, once cabin fever+being hungover sets in, you need an outlet for your frustration. Thus, "crush weights".
Sixth, if you're a true bro, you have a huge HD tv. So you watch it and you laugh at the reports of people crashing into trees.
Seventh, go outside to snap pictures of people who got owned by the snow. Like, for example, this picture I took 30 minutes ago:
So there you have it, bros. A quick handy dandy guide to drinking for 10 days straig- er, I mean, getting caught in a snowstorm. Have a good weekend.
Coming at you from an unidentified locale...Coming at you hard, and little boozey. Got a bottle of Jack that's currently getting to my face. (See, I'm a little classier than Vic's Evan W. SMARMED!) I was just drinking and reminiscing, and I started to remember those Geico commericals that had like some travesty happening, and then the dude is like, "But I DID just save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to geico." I loved those commericals. Bros loved those commericals...they provied so many bros so many good jokes:
"Bro, you remember that old lady with big tits you introduced me to?"
"You mean...my mom?"
"That was your mom?"
"Yeah, dude..."
"Oh, well, I've got some bad news."
"What?"
"Nailed her...and I was balls deep...and I was raw-dogging it...and I dumped in her belly."
"WHAT!! WHY?? OH, NO! BRO!"
"But I do have some good news..."
"What?" Bro's crying.
"I did just save a bunch of money by switching to geico."
HA. Classic.
Well...Vic and I have a pretty big weekend ahead of us. I'm not sure if he'll get a chance to post before hand - I know this will be my last one until at least monday. Hopefully Vic will get on here and give you all some of his saucy wisdom before hand. But as for me...Bronest Hemingway will not be back around until a few days from now, at which time I'm SURE Vic and I will have lots of stories to share with you guys. Now, as all you bros know...you never can be entirely sure what'll transpire during a weekend packed with booze, bros and belligerence, but I DO have at least one or two things i cna promise you:
1) Every single thing will invovle booze
2) At LEAST one story will involve blood
3) At LEAST one story will involve offending innocent civilians
4) At LEAST one story will involve a physcial altercation with a non-bro pussy
5) At LEAST one story will involve a few chicks, and how we either hooked up with them, and THEN offended them deeply, or offended them deeply and THEN hooked up with them...or just offended them deeply for no fucking reason at all.
The weekend swiftly approaches my bros. Get up, get ready, get BOOZEY, get your motherfucking BRO on, and don't forget that if you're ever feeling too boozey, too hung over, or too tired...that you are BROS...and so you ride on. That's all I have to say...RIDE ON, bros. See you next week.
Hippies are lame.I mean, most people, they’d read something like that and think, ‘What an ignorant asshole!Doesn’t he know that hippies stand for peace, equality and love?’Those people…dumb as rocks, and I’ll leave it at that.The first and main point I’d like to establish as a kind of through-idea throughout this post is that a hippie is the antithesis of everything bro.Am I calling bros war hawks, bigots and haters?No.Most war hawks, all bigots and all haters are fucking retarded (What’s good, Rahm E.?) and as I’ve established before, and will continue to establish and demonstrate throughout the existence of this blog, i.e. until the end of time, is that bros are smarter than everyone else... obviously that includes hippies.
So.We’ve established that bros are smart, and hippies dumb.‘Why, Bronest,’ you ask me, ‘Why are hippies so dumb?’Well I’ll tell you.First of all, hippies like to say they stand for peace and equality.The preceding sentence is chalk full of something bros like me like to call…(you guessed it, didn’t you?)…BULLSHIT. Hippies are disciples of the most elusive, repulsive and reprehensible forms of trendiness:One that’s entire premise is predicated upon the idea that it is not trendy.Fuck that.You know, I’m starting to think that maybe I should clarify something, throughout this post, when I’m using the term ‘hippie’ I’m talking about MODERN DAY hippies.So don’t come around spouting smarmy bullshit about how hippies started a social revolution in the sixties.REALLY!?!Yeah, I know.
The hippies I’m talking about are the kids on college campuses who sit around smoking weed looking like smarmy hipsters and who talk shit on the frat dudes playing intramural football and the athletes pounding booze at night.I’m talking about kids who wear shirts that say something like ‘I don’t have to pay for my friends.’Really, hippie?Tell that to the girl who you buy weed for, but who never sucks your dick, because I’m telling you, dude, all she’s ever going to be is your friend.Now, what’s my issue with these kinds of hippies?Mostly, and to be honest, it’s the smarm.Hippies ooze with smarminess along with body odor and marijuana resin.Most hippies seem to have convinced themselves that it’s up to them to change the world…and most hippies think they’ll do this with an acoustic guitar.I have one question for these hippies, ‘HOW MANY FUCKING DAVE MATTHEWS BANDS DO YOU THINK THERE CAN BE!??’Hippies LOVE to talk about how stupid bros are.Every bro knows this.Hippies can’t get enough of referring to bros as ‘dumb animals’ or some other similarly unoriginal insult.That might be my biggest problem with hippies, they’re SO unoriginal.‘Now, what’s so original about a bro, anyway,’ you ask, ‘don’t bros pledge frats and play sports and follow the crowd?’Now, some of the more open-minded hippies (very rare) might consider that to be a fair statement.It’s not.You think there’s any republican hippies out there?(I promise to NEVER get political on this blog, I’m just making a point.)No, there are not, because their hippie friends would disown them.You think there’s any hippies who oppose the legalization of marijuana?You think there’s any hippies that don’t like the acoustic guitar?Fuck no.
Now, I talk about hippie smarminess.Yet in almost all of our posts, and all of the posts we will ever write, we will expound upon and discuss and illustrate in detail the superiority of bros.Smarmy?Maybe, but I don’t think so.See, smarm…it sits, it ferments and it stews, like bong water or an un-flushed toilet…smarm sits there and just bubbles and tries to stink up a room.It doesn’t actually do anything.Smarm comes from convincing yourself you’re better than everyone else.A bro's feeling of superiority comes from proving it…on a goddamn daily basis.
Being a bro means that you grab life by the fucking horns and you ride it, and you ride it, and you RIDE it, and you sweat and you burn, and you booze, and you conquer…and then you booze.When’s the last time you saw a hippie sweat who wasn’t tripping balls with his shirt off twirling in a circle??Being a hippie limits your chances of success…again, how many Jack Johnsons could there possibly be??Being a bro increases your possibilities.Not to mention the fact that a lot of employers make you take a drug test to get a job…so I guess most hippies are waiting for full legalization to find a job?
Now, you might get the impression from the tone of this blog that I hate people who smoke weed, or that I hate weed itself.Wrong.Again, in my ability to see many sides of the same thing, I demonstrate my broness.Who hasn’t ripped a bong at a frat house?Who hasn’t ripped a joint with one of their bros?Not many, but that’s not the point.Again, the bro in this scenario demonstrates his superior outlook on life.A bro is just getting high and partying his face off…Hippies think that if they get high enough, they’ll change the world. Truth is, most hippies are just so high they can’t even figure out how to change their clothes.
I realized very shortly after starting this that this one might become a long rant.And as Vic mentioned in his first post, neither of us really think long diatribes have a place on this blog.So I’ll end it after the paragraph that follows.
Bros don’t like hippies because bros are out to accomplish – a bro has two big fears: 1) That he might not end up ruling the world, (this one is silly, obviously) 2) That he may not be able to booze while doing so, (again, silly, and unfounded).A hippie also has two big fears 1) That he might wind up pulling the ash through a bowl, and 2) Their dealer might be dry.That’s another funny thing about hippies, they all want to record an acoustic guitar album everyone is the world has already heard…but how many hippies do you know who actually even make an attempt at doing that?Maybe one, probably none.Hippies are smarmy at all times.Bros are better than everyone who isn’t a bro.There’s a big difference, and if you don’t get it, keep reading this blog.
Bros, this post is going to be about lifting. But before I get into that, I need to be up front with you. Even me, a bro of phenomenal renown, has to admit that this snow business is getting a little tired. Since I haven't worked all week, and I don't work tomorrow, and perhaps not even on Friday, I have come down with a case of cabin fever. After all, there's only so much blogging, PS3 Baseball Playing, and online poker a bro can play before getting a little frustrated. Just wanted to throw that out there. I'm not complaining or anything like that; I'm just saying that even bros can get tired of something awesome like Snow Days. Now, onward!
I'm sure you will all be shocked by this, but I didn't exactly feel great after last night's blackout mission when I woke up this afternoon. Yes, I said afternoon. I went to bed at 5 AM after all, which is late for non-bros, but pretty standard for a bro such as yours truly. When I woke up, I had this sinking feeling that the snow had stopped and that I wouldn't get to pound 25 frat sodas this evening because I would have work tomorrow (Thursday). But I was relieved to see a whitewash outside my window. Nevermind all the moronic non-bros that A) either had to work today or B) were stupid enough to get caught in this weather. If they crashed and their car exploded and they and their entire family disintegrated... well that's just evolution friends. People like that don't deserve to live.
But, anyways, I was feeling like shit. So, after scratching my junk, almost throwing up from the taste of Evan W in my mouth, and then again almost throwing up again upon looking in the mirror, my first inclination was to throw heavy weights around the room and get my swell on. Now, honestly, at first I didn't understand what made this desire come to pass. I legit felt like there was a family of Pakistanis gnawing away at my insides. My head hurt. And I smelled like The Jersey Shore's Ronnie after a work out (by the way, if you think that will be the last J Shore reference in this post, then you are dead wrong).
My lift started slowly. I thought I was going to pass out when I did decline press, for example. However, after time, I started gaining strength. And I didn't feel so bad about myself. And then it struck me why bros love lifting so much:
1) It's a perfect fucking hangover cure and 2) It helps us justify pumping thousands of calories and carbs into our bodies every night, because we don't think we're getting as fat as we really are.
Now, point #1 might not be foreign to you, bros. In fact, it is a commonly held theory amongst bros everywhere. However, non-bros (we call them Scientists) have "disproved" this bro-tested theory. Saying lactic acid gathering in the muscles, combined with further dehydration from perspiring, will actually intensify the symptoms of a hangover. Well, I have an answer to that: the asshole Scientists were doing their experiments on Dungeon Masters and clueless idiots who still use MySpace-- aka complete non-bros who never punish their bodies like we bros do. Bottom line, by the end of my workout, I felt like Superman. Except, in my case, when I looked in the mirror I saw SuperBro. And I wasn't wearing a gay set of leotards.
Point #2 is a bit of a new theory on my part. You see, we bros KNOW that drinking excessively night after night after night is detrimental to our physical health (we may have been born at night, but we weren't born last night, as the saying goes). So, to justify this punishment, we throw weights around, tell everyone we know that we did it, and then drink 30 beers with no trepidation. Because we worked out.
You may be asking, "does doing the Elliptical, or rowing machine, or jumping rope count?" Well, I have an answer: "Get the fuck off this site. Because you are not a bro, your parents acknowledge you were a mistake, and you want to be a wizard. I hate you." No, cardio does not belong in the Bro's list of "Dos and Donts" (seen below). The only cardio we bros get is 1) running from cops, 2) leaving a one night stand by running away before she awakens, 3) Intramural sports, aka segue ways into drinking once we dominate some losers, 4) lifting other bros up to do keg stands over and over again and 5) "roughing up the suspect", which I will explain at some point down the road.
Hey dork. Good luck getting that girl to sleep with you now that she knows you're gay.
Now, you are certainly asking yourself 2 questions. First, "when will he mention the Jersey Shore again", and second, "aren't there fat bros who just don't care about working out"?
I will breach etiquette and answer your second question first. Yes. Bros can be fat. It shows they don't give a fuck and it shows that they recognize that they can lay pipe without looking like Brad Pitt in Troy. That's actually a VERY bro attitude. And it ties in with my second answer perfectly.
The star of Jersey Shore, which all bros know to be "The Situation" is *sort* of a bro. But definitely not a full bro. You know why this is? Because he clearly realizes that there's no way he could get chicks if he didn't look like he was carved out of granite. He's a moron, while bros are geniuses. Some bros have the uncanny knack of making up for their lacking physique by mentally convincing a hot chick that he's actually WAY out of her league, and that he'd be doing her a favor by spreading his seed on her tits.
So there you have it. Now you know why bros love the bench press, hammer curls, and weighted pull ups. It just makes us remember that we're great... even when we're feeling like shit.
Obviously, bros, we’re all over the world.Bros have disseminated themselves across the entire globe and dominated anything they’ve decided to do, because…they’re bros.From diplomatic relations to MNCs, bros are out there.And of course we’re all over this country as well.With fellow bros literally in every corner of the globe, you’d think they were very easy to find.Now, I’m not necessarily saying that they aren’t, I’m just saying that a bro has got to be a little careful when he first comes in contact with someone he thinks may or may not be a fellow bro.
Now I’ve done more than my share of bro-tripping, and Vic has dilligafed his way up and down the East coast at least a dozen times.And on all my trips, I feel like I have a few encounters with new bros I meet that go really well, and a few where at some point I realize I’ve been hanging out with a pussy in bros clothing.This is a fate I never want any good bros out there to deal with, so I thought I’d try and compile a list of bro dos and bro don’ts, so you can keep a better eye out.
BRO DON’TS:
1)Bros do not watch Grey’s Anatomy.Originally I was going to list every lame show bros don’t watch, but it’d take up too much space.Basically, if a posing bro mentions Grey’s Anatomy without an according amount of derogatory profanity as well – or if he talks about shows like ‘For the Love of Ray Jay’ and mentions anything but tig ol’ bitties – this dude is NOT a bro, and he’s not any fun to drink with, and he will ruin your life, and any chance you have with any of the girls at the bar.
2)Bros do not drink cosmopolitans, manhattans, daiquiris, wine coolers, smirnoff ice, mike’s hard lemonade, joose, or any other shitty, lame, fruity drink.If someone introduces their friend to you as a ‘bro’ and he even looks at one of these drinks, kick him in the balls, and don’t even feel bad when you do, because he doesn’t have any.
3)Bros do not complain about belligerent behavior and are not made uncomfortable by an utter disrespect for rules, authority and responsibility.Next time you’re pissing in the middle of the floor at a bar, or knocking over newspaper bins, or screaming ‘FUCK’ or ‘DILLIGAF’ at the top of your lungs, look around, some guys will be laughing their asses off and saying ‘fuck yeah’ others will be cringing, or walking away quickly.The bros in that scenario are obvious.
4)Bros are NOT selfish.‘What?’ you ask me, ‘But, Bronest, bros are notoriously selfish, as they should be, right?’Well, minions…yes and no.See, a bro is selfish as fuck when it comes to non-bros, (more on that later) but pretty selfless when it comes to fellow bros.Basically, if you’re on your travels and you meet up with an old friend, and he brings some of his boys along, listen to what the new dudes say.If they say I a lot…I’d start getting suspicious.See, a bro should be saying we, like, ‘We should drink a lot more,’ ‘We should pick up two rounds of shots instead of one,’ ‘We should pound another beer,’ ‘We should rip a line,’ ‘We should pick up those chicks,’ ‘We should go offend those innocent, senior-citizen bystanders.’ Get it?Got it?Good.
5)Bros do not tap out early.Now, I’m not saying that bros don’t pass out, and maybe even sometimes pass out before their bros think it’s time – because, shit, at the tail end of a huge bender, even the beastliest of bros can fall short.That’s not what I’m talking about.I said ‘tap-out,’ by that I mean that bros don’t give up early.When you ‘pass-out,’ you rode the high-proof wave till it broke, and you crashed and burned, and you probably pissed yourself.When you ‘tap-out,’ you say something like, ‘Guys, that was my last one, I’ve got to get home,’ or something like, ‘Man, I’m tired, I don’t think I’ll go out and drink tonight.’That’s tapping out, that’s not only not catching the wave, it’s not even showing up to the beach, and bros…are always ready to go.
BRO DO’S:
1)Again, I’d love to list all the shows that bros love, but it’d take up too much space.Basically bros like shows that are good, and I’ll just leave it at that.
2)Bros drink beer, and bros drink booze.And when a bro drinks a mixed drink, he’ll be drinking STRONG.We’re talking double Jack and cokes, double gin and tonics, long island iced teas, pitchers upon pitchers of margaritas, and yes, bros, I’d put the martini in this category.Vodka martini preferably.I feel like some bros are torn on this one, and I even had a girl tell me once she thought it was a pussy drink, (the whore).My question to you, bros, is, what isn’t bro-tastic about four shots of vodka basically straight?Throw back five or six, and even the strongest bros will start blacking out.But most importantly, as far as bros are concerned, it’s not so much about the drink itself, as how the drink is drunk.Bros drink with a purpose…to black out and get rowdy and get the weight of running the world off our shoulders.Because, yes, minions, bros run the world.
3)(This one is a combination response to numbers 3&4 above)Bros not only lack any aversion to breaking rules, swimming well outside social mores, and dilligafing the public, they have a passion for it.And like everything else bros do, we do this with a purpose.This gets at that selfless side of bros that nobody but fellow bros ever see.See, when a bro is getting belligerent when he’s out with his bros, a part of him might be doing that for himself, (as Vic demonstrated so deftly in the previous post) but there’s also a large component of his reasoning that is all about his fellow bros.See, the belligerent bro knows that in dilligafing, he knows that in breaking shit, being offensive to random passerby, that in shouting at the top of his lungs like a beast in the street – he’s giving his fellow bros a better night.Because what, at the end of the day do bros love almost more than anything else??Stories, minions…bros fucking LOVE good stories.And when a bro gets belligerent, he’s giving his fellow bros something epic to relate the next morning.
4)Lastly – bros rock out until there’s nothing left to rock.Bros rage and rage until the tank is completely empty, (or filled, depending on your metaphor).You’re not going to see a bro consistently checking his watch when he’s out on a binge with his bros.‘Why?’You ask me.Well…see, contrary to beliefs spread by bro-hating douchebags who hate bros because we’re just funnier, stronger, wittier and generally more successful and entertaining, which makes us bros, after all – bros are productive.Again, bros run the world.So chances are you’re not going to see a bro out bingeing when he’s got work early.Sure, he’ll probably be throwing some back at home, or drinking out at a sports bar casually, but when a bro shows up to rock, he’s never going to stop…well, he’s never going to stop willingly.Bros party and drink until their body turns off and they shut down and they end up sleeping until the next afternoon.And a bro never has to feel guilty about passing out, because he knows he did well by his bros and stuck by them until he wasn’t physically capable of doing so.
SO!The point of this post?!?This post is mostly geared to the bros like me, who have spent the better part of the past couple years shuttling around the country chasing glory and opportunity.Every time you show up in a new city, bros – people at school, work, wherever, they’re going to be immediately drawn to you, because you’re a bro, and you represent the epitome of the American drive to rock out with your balls out in all things.This is great.It’s great to be a bro and have people immediately recognize your superiority in a new place.This is also shitty at times.It’s shitty to be momentarily fooled by a posing bro, who tells you he likes to party and he knows the good spots around town – who tells you he’s got a ‘crazy group of bros’ that he goes on benders with…only to find out that his version of a bender is having a few beers with dinner and then cracking open some wine coolers and watching an entire season of The O.C. on DVD with his ‘bros’ at his apartment.This fate, or one similar, has befallen me before, minions, and I would NEVER want it to happen to you.So when you’re gallivanting around the country and the world, keep this list in mind, and be wary of those who attempt to emulate you, but who are nothing like you.It’s not necessarily that they’re awful people, (but…let’s be honest) it’s just that they have their place and we have ours.Because at the end of the day it’s better to drink with one bro than none at all, i.e. yourself – as, yet again, Vic has shown so masterfully.
I've really always wanted to do this. I wanted to blog my mental state as I work my way though drinking dozens and dozens of beers. So, in preparation for tomorrow's (hopeful) cancellation of work (again), I've decided to keep a running blog as I progress through beers. It will be updated as I navigate my way into darkness (both literally and figuratively). Enjoy, because I'm sure this is gonna get sloppy, bros. ----
4:03 PM EST- I'm pacing myself as best I can, but as all bros know, once you crack open that first frat soda, you start going down a slippery slope. You may be asking, "Vic Mackey, why on earth are you pacing yourself?" Simple, really. As I alluded to, God is definitely just fucking boning us right now. Because he's a Bro. And what do bros do? They intentionally screw people over for their own enjoyment. And what would screw me over? If I have to work tomorrow and I drink 30 beers tonight. Good luck explaining that to your boss... "Sorry, boss. Just figured work was a no-go. So I got fucking trashed." Real responsible. Oh well, Dilligaf. I am 4 deep and as soon as I see the big stuff coming at 7PM, I'm really gonna put in work. Hopefully the Federal Government will just pre-emptively shut down early, so I don't have to have those nagging feelings that I'm being fucked with.
-VM
4:27 PM EST- Still pacing myself, I'm on beer #6 and am going to pack some lips afterwards, just to curb my booze intake. Make no mistake, bros, I'm not doing this because I'm getting drunk already (gonna take at least 12 more for that). I'm doing it until I know I'm not getting DILLIGAF'd by so-called Meteorologists who consistently fuck up their job more than GW Bush. Hey-ooooooooo!
Anyways, I found this vid while perusing some sites, and I gotta say, I admire this bro's passion for weather. This was from the first blizzard, so it's a few days old. But once I find another video of him going berserk, I will add it on here.
5:18 PM EST- 8 Deep now. Feeling more and more confident that I'm not being fucked with. In fact, I might be getting fucked with in the opposite sense. The snow is coming down hard earlier than expected. If we're to believe the Meteorologists, we're gonna get winds between 35-50 MPG tomorrow. That's a scary proposition for anyone who isn't a bro. But for me, it just means I'm glad I've been storing cardboard boxes in my closet for over a year now, so that when my apartment windows shatter, I can patch them up with the quickness. God bless us, one and all.
-VM.
5:45- Things looking good. Time for another lip. Fatter the better... except when it comes to girls.
-VM
6:24- I didn't murder a bison myself, but I am still eating the fruits of someone else who did.
-VM
7:38- You know how it must have felt for the passengers aboard the Titanic when they knew it was basically all over? That's how I feel right now. Yes, my bro-minions, I just got official word that the Fed Government is officially closed tomorrow. Fuck yea... I'm still not gonna bro my load too early though. But rest assured, the coherent and literate blogger you see right now?? He will be long gone in about 2 hours.
-VM
7:54- I just went into panic mode and realized it might be time to consider the possibility that my liquor store will lose power tomorrow in the 40 MPH winds. Time to get my priorities in order and "stock up".
-VM
8:20- Bros, I have some bad news. I have made no real progress in my blacked out status. However, I have some great news... I added a handle of Evan Williams to my stock. Why Evan Williams? I don't fucking know. Why any type of booze, jerk? Because it gets me drunk and it's fairly cheap. Get off me. And, did I buy any Coca-Cola, or mixer of any kind for that matter? I don't know, do Chickens have lips? I drink that shit with water and ice cubes and then, after a while, just with ice cubes. So eat me. Time to do some work.
But first, as always, time to pack a fat lip.
-VM
8:36- Had a realization a few minutes ago. And it revolves around the fact that certain bros of mine were complaining about the Federal Government closing down while the Private Sector had to work.
First of all, the Private Sector does not HAVE to work. It's a PRIVATE decision. Strange how that works. If your boss is a prick, you work in this weather. If not, then you don't.
Second, let's just assume that it was as cut and dry as the babies in the Private Sector make it out to be. Why would that be? I even had New York bros complaining about it.
Hmmmm. I wonder. Could it be because the Federal Government matters more than you slovenly Private-sectorers?
I will leave it at that.
-VM
8:47- The only way I could count the beers I have drank would be to go through the garbage and count the empties. Bros don't do that, however. I'd say the total is around 13 as of right now, but don't quote me on that... especially since I still know how to use commas. Wait until the "blanshdasjkd"s start, and we can talk about my drunktaceousness.
-VM
9:37- I'm watching a show that most true blue bros can agree that they watch; but that some poser bros refuse to admit to. I'm sure you can figure it out at this point. It ends with -ost.
-PS: Starting to get drunk.
9:52- 16 deep, nothing impressive. Still trying to make this logical. Booooorrrrrr.
-VM
10:09- Drinking. Funny how more drinks=less words.
-VM
10:24- I went into my fridge and counted the cans of beer missing, and by my count, it is 8+10. A vicious blackout is well on its way, but we are not making huge progress just yet. I will be finishing my 19th and 20th beers in the next 20 minutes. Then, perhaps, a friend named Evan W will visit?
-VM
10:48- To edit, or not to edit. This will be the last one I edit.
-VM
Yeesh. Girls make this so easy for us bros to make fun of them:
10:59- Just had this convo:
[22:57] Vic: i feel great about not going to work, but some ppl are gonna be hurting tomorrow [22:57] Vic: torn [22:58] Girl: what do you mean [22:58] Vic: all those amputees out there --- [23:00] Vic: i just used that mini exchange for my new blog that im writing for [23:03] Vic: wow they just showed a girl who went out to get groceries and ran out of gas [23:03] Vic: how stupid can u be [23:06] Girl: like outside your house [23:07] Girl: ? [23:07] Vic: well thats the point [23:07] Vic: they flock [23:08] Girl: shes a whore and deserves to freeze in a snow drift [23:08] Vic: or be getting drenched in a different kinda snow drift, in my apartment.
You see, bros care.
-VM
11:15- Hey! Just in case you come to BHOBH (Bro Hard Or Bro Home) for your Winter Weather News:
There will be no MARC service on any line on Wednesday, February 10, 2010 due to severe weather conditions. A decision about service for Thursday will be made Wednesday evening.
(Bros everywhere rejoice and get fucked up instead of worrying about work... again. You are welcome, bros. -Love, Barack Obrahma)
11:31- What now? Really, what now? I'm off tomorrow. We're gonna get pounded with snow and 40 MPH winds. Drink? Sure. More updates.
-VM
11:37- "We've never had two storms this close together around here"- Random Non-Bro
I am absolutely sure we have. However, we ARE getting destroyed now by this weather. I'm watching some news and they're interviewing dildos who say "we've never seen this before". Sure you haven't. You were a kid last time this happened. Stop crying. Stop complaining. Just stay in, idiots. Jesus.
-VM
11:47- Watching penguins in "Southern" hemisphere? What the fuck?
-VM
11:54-
Just easier to do this than try to stay coherent:
[23:51] VM: im watching penguins too [23:51] Girl: penguins? [23:51] VM: yea on the tv [23:52] VM: black cars smashing in the snow [23:52] VM: pengins banging on the tv [23:52] VM: penguins [23:52] Girl: penguins dont bang! [23:52] VM: i say they do [23:52] Girl: NO THEY DONT! [23:52] Girl: or do they... [23:53] VM: me says yes [23:53] Girl: omg they do [23:53] Girl: UGH why did i youtube!
-VM
12:09-
Evan Williams.
I'm still watching TV. It's not funny.
-VM
12:24-
I spend more time wasting time on commercials than Whiskey and Dip. 10 minutes. What the fuck. Unbelievable. trying my best.
-CM
12:25-
I wish I was kidding.
-VBM
12:26-
A lot of ppl were worryiunbg about drinking tonight. Go ahead. Drink tonight..
This one's mostly for the Eastcoast bros - but all other bros should feel free to contemplate on it as well.
Now with the mountains of snow everywhere, the roofs that have collapsed under all the weight, all the car accidents, the billions of dollars being spent to clean it all up, the high school kids and the college kids all out of school, the ENTIRE federal government of the United States shut down and the above-ground metro rail in DC shut down for the foreseeable future, there's really only one question I can ask myself: "Is This Snowstorm Fratty?"
Now, we all already know, (Thanks to Vic - who you can all be sure is taking booze to the dome as I write this, and even as you read) getting snowed in provides the perfect opportunity to stock up for a weeks worth of binge drinking only to guzzle it all down in a couple days. We also understand that if you were somehow with a grouping of solid broheems before, during and after the storm - you got the rare chance to experience cabin fever in a way that's almost impossible outside of college: Brobin Fever...as I just coined the term. Snowed in and with a lot of booze, obviously...bros can turn any place, whether it be an upscale apartment, or a one-bedroom shanty, into a shitshow....as Vic and I found out this past weekend. Which involved broken chairs, piss in inappropriate places, clogged toilets, destroyed bathrooms, seas of empties Michael Phelps couldn't even butter-fly his way through, a damaged freindship here or there, and of course, a decent amount of blood.
So...Is the snow storm Fratty?
So far...I think we'd all have to say, Fuck yeah.
The next thing I'd like to bring up, is THIS. Obviously...setting records in a way that affects a great number of people is something bros have been doing for as long as time as been recorded.
So....Is the snow storm Fratty?
It's starting to look like there's not a question about it, I must say.
I won't talk about this next thing much since Vic flushed out the topic so expertly earlier, but obviously a hugely fratty component of the snowstorm is that it's getting all the bros in DC and Baltimore, (two of the most bro-tastic cities) off work. Fratty? Check.
The last important component of the storm I'd like to extoll is this: THIS STORM IS BREAKING SHIT LEFT AND RIGHT. You know the feeling you get when you're just shy of blacked out, and your bro goes into a fit of rage over something he misinterpreted...or is most likely just drunk, and he starts knocking pictures off the wall, or he smashes someone through some furniture, or if you're lucky enough to be on the sidewalk, starts knocking over newspaper bins? You know that feeling? It's a great feeling isn't it? Personally, I love that feeling. Because when I see one of my bros going over the top and breaking and/or vandalizing something, I know he just unwittingly turned the binge into something more than just the average blurry brown/black out. So when I think about how good it makes me feel when one of my bros breaks something that only affects a couple auxiliary people here and there...I just can't imagine what the rest of the weather gods are saying when they see their bro, snow, just shitting over all of us here on the East coast. I'm not sure what languages those bros speak in, but I can guaran-fucking-tee they're laughing their asses off every time a car slips off the road or a roof caves in...and most likely saying DILLIGAF.
Basically this snow storm can be equated to a bro-prank of epic proportions. So if you feel bummed out over the next couple days when you're shelling out twenties to day-laborers you picked up at the 7-11 to shovel your driveways, just understand you're a victim of the broverse, and don't forget all the great things the snow storm has done for you.
Bronest very eloquently summarized the virtues of bro-living. After reading his post, I ran out of my apartment, took off all my clothes, and brutally slaughtered a fully-grown steer and drank its blood.
I don't really want to dwell too long on introducing myself; lengthy diatribes are something I'm going to strive to avoid on this blogging go-round. I'll just say this, however: if you're not a clueless moron, you know there is a veritable glut of sites extolling the virtues of not giving a fuck, drinking tons, and banging hot chicks. I'm not sure how or if this site will be different or better; but in the hands of true-blue bros, there's no doubt it will still be great one way or another. So, with that said, let's get into it. ---
The Federal Government is shut down after another weekend storm. There are piles of snow stacked 6, 7, 8 feet high outside. The city has already exhausted its snow removal budget for the winter season. And guess what, there's another storm prepared to dump more than a foot of snow on top of that. Honestly, God is just fucking with us now. But in any event, hurricane-like winds, driving snow, ice, and bitter-cold temperatures are on the horizon. When all is said and done, society as we know it will ground to a deafening halt. We're about to get snowed in. And we're bros, so you know we've gotta stock up.
For guys in the know, what I'm talking about is already clear. But for aspiring bros, and closet bros, you might be a bit confused. I clearly am not talking about buying gallons of water, canned foods, and other non-perishable food products; I can honestly live without any of those things for days, weeks, and even months. But the one thing I can honestly not live without during a snow storm... is booze.
Yesterday, still feeling crippled by the side effects of a 4 day bender (because of the storm, you see, followed by the Super Bowl, followed by having work canceled on both Friday and Monday), I made the uncharacteristic mistake of choosing a visit to the grocery store before a visit to the Liquor Store. Well, as you can imagine, I immediately regretted my momentary slip in judgment. Because when I walked into the grocery store, dozens of non-bros, closet bros, and women (clueless as always) were "stocking up" with cheese, butter, milk, and other food products. I was disgusted with myself, immediately turned around, was heard to utter "fuck this", and took a B-line to the bro haven that is the liquor store.
Now, what I purchased there was not important. There are several guidelines I follow for snow-storm booze compiling. 1) Too much is ALWAYS better than not enough. I think one of my worst nightmares is being stuck somewhere without any booze. When I die, I'm pretty sure my punishment will be an eternity stuck inside with no booze. 2) Depending on how long you're going to be stuck, variety is of utmost importance. Sure, I love smashing through case after case of swilly light beers, but some bros like to watch calories and/or prefer the finer drinks in life, like whiskey, gin, and vodka. And honestly, that's pretty much what you need to know when you "stock up".
But let's say for a second that the storm you get caught in is particularly epic and exceeds all forecasts for damage. In spite of all proper planning ahead, you and your bros might find yourselves exhausting your goods more quickly than you had expected. Uh oh. For losers with a confidence problem, this might be an issue. But you're a bro, so you've got this covered. Should you find yourself snowed-in without booze or beers, under no circumstance should you accept your lot in life. After all, when you get numerous bros in a confined area without booze, all they're going to do is fight each other and destroy things (which is what we do anyways, but at least when we're drunk we forget large details). Strap on your snow shoes, toss on some ridiculous animal skin hat, and fucking make as our ancestors did and brave the elements to reach a new frontier. A new frontier of drunkenness.
So with that said, pour one out for the snow... down your throat that is. Because you don't want to waste a perfectly good beer.
Now we all know superbowl Sunday is the best excuse we have in America to binge drink, get sloppy, spill hamburger grease down our shirts and scream loudly and belligerently at the television screen through mastodonic mouthfuls of hot wings and booze.We understand that superbowl Sunday might be the one and only evening in America were it’s relatively acceptable to frat out on sidewalks and DILLIGAF the fucking sober civilians and scream obscenities at their fat girlfriends when they waddle on by to whole foods or some other bullshit, smarmy market she can go to and feel healthy.We get the fact that superbowl Sunday is the ultimate day-drink-booze-fest on the calendar.By that I mean that we understand that superbowl Sunday isn’t your average ‘Sunday-Funday’ (hate that term) – no…on superbowl Sunday, we need to take day-drinking so seriously that we can hardly remember the fourth quarter.Because here’s something we also understand:THE SUPERBOWL IS NOT ABOUT FOOTBALL.Once again:SUPERBOWL SUNDAY IS NOT ABOUT FOOTBALL.“The fuck?”You ask me, “BUT Bronest, what’s it about?”Well, minions, it’s about DRINKING.Superbowl Sunday is about binge drinking so hard you teeter on catatonia, it’s about taking so much goddamn booze to your dome you legitimately think you may have given yourself a stroke.It’s about throwing pizza slices and wing bits at your bro’s wall and screaming ‘DILLIGAF!’ if he takes issue with it.Basically, on supebowl Sunday, you should dilligaf every single thing…EXCEPT, of course binge drinking and dilligafing in itself.
Why???WHY is binge drinking and dilligafing so important on superbowl Sunday?Why is it more important to get embarrassingly sloppy, drunk, drool-covered and caked with food stains on that day than any other?Because superbowl Sunday is the only true and pure bit of American culture we have.Because superbowl Sunday is quite literally our most favorite national holiday.Because even people who aren’t football fans get out there and watch the game and booze.So if you’re not boozing as hard as your body can…if you’re not dilligafing everyone you see…if you’re not operating with a complete and utter disregard for your responsibilities or your reputation…you’re doing nothing less than cock-slapping uncle sam right across the face.And here’s the point…here’s where it gets really sad…if all this is true, (and obviously it is) why is that so many spineless assholes are out across the country on superbowl Sunday, eating cheetoes out of a wooden bowl in someone’s smarmy living room, drinking sprite, applauding casually when their team scores or tears someone's head off, or saying something infuriating like, 'shoot' or 'frick' when their team fucks up? I'm not sure why some guys end up that way...but I also don't understand why some dude's boners leak when they see little boys, (well...actually I can, but....back to the point) - So I don't get it, but I am sure that some of those douchebags are closet bros, and all they can think about while they nibble on cheetoes with their two front teeth like dickless bunnies is how bad they want to frat out, binge drink, black out, and break at LEAST five of the things they see immediately around them. I KNOW that some dudes are out there with their mediocre girlfriends in their mediocre apartments surrounded by pictures of their mediocre parents and their mediocre friends, and in the back of their heads they just replay the memories from college when they used to get fratty in basements and piss out of windows onto groups of unsuspecting sorostitues on the way back from Planned Parenthood...they probably smile warmly when they remember the times they dilligafed dumb freshman girls and pissed in their beds when they were blacked out. I'd venture a large wager that memories like those are the only things this guy really has left, they might be the only reasons he still has any shreds of self-confidence left. And I KNOW that there are WAY too many closet bros out there, dying to be offensively impulsive, and of course, repulsive, but they're not. Because somewhere along the way they lost their cocks, their balls, their spines and their drinking hands.
So for all those guys...for of all you who performed last night like little, weak bitches with no spine and/or desire to binge drink and scream and break shit, I have these things to say: 'Your picture would make a great ad for birth control.' 'Your lifestyle makes me want to go back in time and abort your grandparents.' 'I guarantee your girlfriends all cheat on you.' 'The way you stand reminds me of back in college when I used to perform discount abortions with my bare hands and a beerbong - those dead babies looked like they had more self-confidence and hope than you douchbaggy assholes.' Get back out there and DRINK. Get back out there and go on a massive bender. Get out there and binge drink for AT LEAST three days straight, and on some early morning/late night you'll never remember, drink a little more, and head into the local waffle house, or denny's, or ihop, or really anywhere else you'd expect to find the lowest, fattest, greasiest people in America and go in there, steal a breakfast plate from a little girl and shovel it into your face...and when she starts crying, and when the egg is dripping down your chin, reach your head up and shout "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED????"
If that reminds you of your superbowl weekend in anyway, good job, (bro). If you had a weekend that resembled that at all, I applaud you; loudly, drunkenly, obnoxiously and genuinely, I applaud you. I applaud your dedication to youth and your dedication to binge drinking and irresponsibility. If not....I just hope to god you understand that that's what you SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING. And if you're too fucking weak and ass-backwards and dumb to recognize that........DILLIGAF.
