Why Bros Crush Weights

Bros, this post is going to be about lifting. But before I get into that, I need to be up front with you. Even me, a bro of phenomenal renown, has to admit that this snow business is getting a little tired. Since I haven't worked all week, and I don't work tomorrow, and perhaps not even on Friday, I have come down with a case of cabin fever. After all, there's only so much blogging, PS3 Baseball Playing, and online poker a bro can play before getting a little frustrated. Just wanted to throw that out there. I'm not complaining or anything like that; I'm just saying that even bros can get tired of something awesome like Snow Days. Now, onward!

I'm sure you will all be shocked by this, but I didn't exactly feel great after last night's blackout mission when I woke up this afternoon. Yes, I said afternoon. I went to bed at 5 AM after all, which is late for non-bros, but pretty standard for a bro such as yours truly. When I woke up, I had this sinking feeling that the snow had stopped and that I wouldn't get to pound 25 frat sodas this evening because I would have work tomorrow (Thursday). But I was relieved to see a whitewash outside my window. Nevermind all the moronic non-bros that A) either had to work today or B) were stupid enough to get caught in this weather. If they crashed and their car exploded and they and their entire family disintegrated... well that's just evolution friends. People like that don't deserve to live.

But, anyways, I was feeling like shit. So, after scratching my junk, almost throwing up from the taste of Evan W in my mouth, and then again almost throwing up again upon looking in the mirror, my first inclination was to throw heavy weights around the room and get my swell on. Now, honestly, at first I didn't understand what made this desire come to pass. I legit felt like there was a family of Pakistanis gnawing away at my insides. My head hurt. And I smelled like The Jersey Shore's Ronnie after a work out (by the way, if you think that will be the last J Shore reference in this post, then you are dead wrong).

My lift started slowly. I thought I was going to pass out when I did decline press, for example. However, after time, I started gaining strength. And I didn't feel so bad about myself. And then it struck me why bros love lifting so much:

1) It's a perfect fucking hangover cure and 2) It helps us justify pumping thousands of calories and carbs into our bodies every night, because we don't think we're getting as fat as we really are.

Now, point #1 might not be foreign to you, bros. In fact, it is a commonly held theory amongst bros everywhere. However, non-bros (we call them Scientists) have "disproved" this bro-tested theory. Saying lactic acid gathering in the muscles, combined with further dehydration from perspiring, will actually intensify the symptoms of a hangover. Well, I have an answer to that: the asshole Scientists were doing their experiments on Dungeon Masters and clueless idiots who still use MySpace-- aka complete non-bros who never punish their bodies like we bros do. Bottom line, by the end of my workout, I felt like Superman. Except, in my case, when I looked in the mirror I saw SuperBro. And I wasn't wearing a gay set of leotards.

Point #2 is a bit of a new theory on my part. You see, we bros KNOW that drinking excessively night after night after night is detrimental to our physical health (we may have been born at night, but we weren't born last night, as the saying goes). So, to justify this punishment, we throw weights around, tell everyone we know that we did it, and then drink 30 beers with no trepidation. Because we worked out.

You may be asking, "does doing the Elliptical, or rowing machine, or jumping rope count?" Well, I have an answer: "Get the fuck off this site. Because you are not a bro, your parents acknowledge you were a mistake, and you want to be a wizard. I hate you." No, cardio does not belong in the Bro's list of "Dos and Donts" (seen below). The only cardio we bros get is 1) running from cops, 2) leaving a one night stand by running away before she awakens, 3) Intramural sports, aka segue ways into drinking once we dominate some losers, 4) lifting other bros up to do keg stands over and over again and 5) "roughing up the suspect", which I will explain at some point down the road.


Hey dork. Good luck getting that girl to sleep with you now that she knows you're gay.

Now, you are certainly asking yourself 2 questions. First, "when will he mention the Jersey Shore again", and second, "aren't there fat bros who just don't care about working out"?

I will breach etiquette and answer your second question first. Yes. Bros can be fat. It shows they don't give a fuck and it shows that they recognize that they can lay pipe without looking like Brad Pitt in Troy. That's actually a VERY bro attitude. And it ties in with my second answer perfectly.

The star of Jersey Shore, which all bros know to be "The Situation" is *sort* of a bro. But definitely not a full bro. You know why this is? Because he clearly realizes that there's no way he could get chicks if he didn't look like he was carved out of granite. He's a moron, while bros are geniuses. Some bros have the uncanny knack of making up for their lacking physique by mentally convincing a hot chick that he's actually WAY out of her league, and that he'd be doing her a favor by spreading his seed on her tits.

So there you have it. Now you know why bros love the bench press, hammer curls, and weighted pull ups. It just makes us remember that we're great... even when we're feeling like shit.

-VM

This one's crucial.

Obviously, bros, we’re all over the world. Bros have disseminated themselves across the entire globe and dominated anything they’ve decided to do, because…they’re bros. From diplomatic relations to MNCs, bros are out there. And of course we’re all over this country as well. With fellow bros literally in every corner of the globe, you’d think they were very easy to find. Now, I’m not necessarily saying that they aren’t, I’m just saying that a bro has got to be a little careful when he first comes in contact with someone he thinks may or may not be a fellow bro.

Now I’ve done more than my share of bro-tripping, and Vic has dilligafed his way up and down the East coast at least a dozen times. And on all my trips, I feel like I have a few encounters with new bros I meet that go really well, and a few where at some point I realize I’ve been hanging out with a pussy in bros clothing. This is a fate I never want any good bros out there to deal with, so I thought I’d try and compile a list of bro dos and bro don’ts, so you can keep a better eye out.

BRO DON’TS:

1) Bros do not watch Grey’s Anatomy. Originally I was going to list every lame show bros don’t watch, but it’d take up too much space. Basically, if a posing bro mentions Grey’s Anatomy without an according amount of derogatory profanity as well – or if he talks about shows like ‘For the Love of Ray Jay’ and mentions anything but tig ol’ bitties – this dude is NOT a bro, and he’s not any fun to drink with, and he will ruin your life, and any chance you have with any of the girls at the bar.

2) Bros do not drink cosmopolitans, manhattans, daiquiris, wine coolers, smirnoff ice, mike’s hard lemonade, joose, or any other shitty, lame, fruity drink. If someone introduces their friend to you as a ‘bro’ and he even looks at one of these drinks, kick him in the balls, and don’t even feel bad when you do, because he doesn’t have any.

3) Bros do not complain about belligerent behavior and are not made uncomfortable by an utter disrespect for rules, authority and responsibility. Next time you’re pissing in the middle of the floor at a bar, or knocking over newspaper bins, or screaming ‘FUCK’ or ‘DILLIGAF’ at the top of your lungs, look around, some guys will be laughing their asses off and saying ‘fuck yeah’ others will be cringing, or walking away quickly. The bros in that scenario are obvious.

4) Bros are NOT selfish. ‘What?’ you ask me, ‘But, Bronest, bros are notoriously selfish, as they should be, right?’ Well, minions…yes and no. See, a bro is selfish as fuck when it comes to non-bros, (more on that later) but pretty selfless when it comes to fellow bros. Basically, if you’re on your travels and you meet up with an old friend, and he brings some of his boys along, listen to what the new dudes say. If they say I a lot…I’d start getting suspicious. See, a bro should be saying we, like, ‘We should drink a lot more,’ ‘We should pick up two rounds of shots instead of one,’ ‘We should pound another beer,’ ‘We should rip a line,’ ‘We should pick up those chicks,’ ‘We should go offend those innocent, senior-citizen bystanders.’ Get it? Got it? Good.

5) Bros do not tap out early. Now, I’m not saying that bros don’t pass out, and maybe even sometimes pass out before their bros think it’s time – because, shit, at the tail end of a huge bender, even the beastliest of bros can fall short. That’s not what I’m talking about. I said ‘tap-out,’ by that I mean that bros don’t give up early. When you ‘pass-out,’ you rode the high-proof wave till it broke, and you crashed and burned, and you probably pissed yourself. When you ‘tap-out,’ you say something like, ‘Guys, that was my last one, I’ve got to get home,’ or something like, ‘Man, I’m tired, I don’t think I’ll go out and drink tonight.’ That’s tapping out, that’s not only not catching the wave, it’s not even showing up to the beach, and bros…are always ready to go.

BRO DO’S:

1) Again, I’d love to list all the shows that bros love, but it’d take up too much space. Basically bros like shows that are good, and I’ll just leave it at that.

2) Bros drink beer, and bros drink booze. And when a bro drinks a mixed drink, he’ll be drinking STRONG. We’re talking double Jack and cokes, double gin and tonics, long island iced teas, pitchers upon pitchers of margaritas, and yes, bros, I’d put the martini in this category. Vodka martini preferably. I feel like some bros are torn on this one, and I even had a girl tell me once she thought it was a pussy drink, (the whore). My question to you, bros, is, what isn’t bro-tastic about four shots of vodka basically straight? Throw back five or six, and even the strongest bros will start blacking out. But most importantly, as far as bros are concerned, it’s not so much about the drink itself, as how the drink is drunk. Bros drink with a purpose…to black out and get rowdy and get the weight of running the world off our shoulders. Because, yes, minions, bros run the world.

3) (This one is a combination response to numbers 3&4 above) Bros not only lack any aversion to breaking rules, swimming well outside social mores, and dilligafing the public, they have a passion for it. And like everything else bros do, we do this with a purpose. This gets at that selfless side of bros that nobody but fellow bros ever see. See, when a bro is getting belligerent when he’s out with his bros, a part of him might be doing that for himself, (as Vic demonstrated so deftly in the previous post) but there’s also a large component of his reasoning that is all about his fellow bros. See, the belligerent bro knows that in dilligafing, he knows that in breaking shit, being offensive to random passerby, that in shouting at the top of his lungs like a beast in the street – he’s giving his fellow bros a better night. Because what, at the end of the day do bros love almost more than anything else?? Stories, minions…bros fucking LOVE good stories. And when a bro gets belligerent, he’s giving his fellow bros something epic to relate the next morning.

4) Lastly – bros rock out until there’s nothing left to rock. Bros rage and rage until the tank is completely empty, (or filled, depending on your metaphor). You’re not going to see a bro consistently checking his watch when he’s out on a binge with his bros. ‘Why?’ You ask me. Well…see, contrary to beliefs spread by bro-hating douchebags who hate bros because we’re just funnier, stronger, wittier and generally more successful and entertaining, which makes us bros, after all – bros are productive. Again, bros run the world. So chances are you’re not going to see a bro out bingeing when he’s got work early. Sure, he’ll probably be throwing some back at home, or drinking out at a sports bar casually, but when a bro shows up to rock, he’s never going to stop…well, he’s never going to stop willingly. Bros party and drink until their body turns off and they shut down and they end up sleeping until the next afternoon. And a bro never has to feel guilty about passing out, because he knows he did well by his bros and stuck by them until he wasn’t physically capable of doing so.

SO! The point of this post?!? This post is mostly geared to the bros like me, who have spent the better part of the past couple years shuttling around the country chasing glory and opportunity. Every time you show up in a new city, bros – people at school, work, wherever, they’re going to be immediately drawn to you, because you’re a bro, and you represent the epitome of the American drive to rock out with your balls out in all things. This is great. It’s great to be a bro and have people immediately recognize your superiority in a new place. This is also shitty at times. It’s shitty to be momentarily fooled by a posing bro, who tells you he likes to party and he knows the good spots around town – who tells you he’s got a ‘crazy group of bros’ that he goes on benders with…only to find out that his version of a bender is having a few beers with dinner and then cracking open some wine coolers and watching an entire season of The O.C. on DVD with his ‘bros’ at his apartment. This fate, or one similar, has befallen me before, minions, and I would NEVER want it to happen to you. So when you’re gallivanting around the country and the world, keep this list in mind, and be wary of those who attempt to emulate you, but who are nothing like you. It’s not necessarily that they’re awful people, (but…let’s be honest) it’s just that they have their place and we have ours. Because at the end of the day it’s better to drink with one bro than none at all, i.e. yourself – as, yet again, Vic has shown so masterfully.

Wanna Watch a Bro Black Out?

I've really always wanted to do this. I wanted to blog my mental state as I work my way though drinking dozens and dozens of beers. So, in preparation for tomorrow's (hopeful) cancellation of work (again), I've decided to keep a running blog as I progress through beers. It will be updated as I navigate my way into darkness (both literally and figuratively). Enjoy, because I'm sure this is gonna get sloppy, bros.
----

4:03 PM EST- I'm pacing myself as best I can, but as all bros know, once you crack open that first frat soda, you start going down a slippery slope. You may be asking, "Vic Mackey, why on earth are you pacing yourself?" Simple, really. As I alluded to, God is definitely just fucking boning us right now. Because he's a Bro. And what do bros do? They intentionally screw people over for their own enjoyment. And what would screw me over? If I have to work tomorrow and I drink 30 beers tonight. Good luck explaining that to your boss... "Sorry, boss. Just figured work was a no-go. So I got fucking trashed." Real responsible. Oh well, Dilligaf. I am 4 deep and as soon as I see the big stuff coming at 7PM, I'm really gonna put in work. Hopefully the Federal Government will just pre-emptively shut down early, so I don't have to have those nagging feelings that I'm being fucked with.

-VM

4:27 PM EST- Still pacing myself, I'm on beer #6 and am going to pack some lips afterwards, just to curb my booze intake. Make no mistake, bros, I'm not doing this because I'm getting drunk already (gonna take at least 12 more for that). I'm doing it until I know I'm not getting DILLIGAF'd by so-called Meteorologists who consistently fuck up their job more than GW Bush. Hey-ooooooooo!

Anyways, I found this vid while perusing some sites, and I gotta say, I admire this bro's passion for weather. This was from the first blizzard, so it's a few days old. But once I find another video of him going berserk, I will add it on here.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

-VM

5:18 PM EST- 8 Deep now. Feeling more and more confident that I'm not being fucked with. In fact, I might be getting fucked with in the opposite sense. The snow is coming down hard earlier than expected. If we're to believe the Meteorologists, we're gonna get winds between 35-50 MPG tomorrow. That's a scary proposition for anyone who isn't a bro. But for me, it just means I'm glad I've been storing cardboard boxes in my closet for over a year now, so that when my apartment windows shatter, I can patch them up with the quickness. God bless us, one and all.

-VM.

5:45- Things looking good. Time for another lip. Fatter the better... except when it comes to girls.

-VM

6:24- I didn't murder a bison myself, but I am still eating the fruits of someone else who did.

-VM

7:38- You know how it must have felt for the passengers aboard the Titanic when they knew it was basically all over? That's how I feel right now. Yes, my bro-minions, I just got official word that the Fed Government is officially closed tomorrow. Fuck yea... I'm still not gonna bro my load too early though. But rest assured, the coherent and literate blogger you see right now?? He will be long gone in about 2 hours.

-VM

7:54- I just went into panic mode and realized it might be time to consider the possibility that my liquor store will lose power tomorrow in the 40 MPH winds. Time to get my priorities in order and "stock up".

-VM

8:20- Bros, I have some bad news. I have made no real progress in my blacked out status. However, I have some great news... I added a handle of Evan Williams to my stock. Why Evan Williams? I don't fucking know. Why any type of booze, jerk? Because it gets me drunk and it's fairly cheap. Get off me. And, did I buy any Coca-Cola, or mixer of any kind for that matter? I don't know, do Chickens have lips? I drink that shit with water and ice cubes and then, after a while, just with ice cubes. So eat me. Time to do some work.

But first, as always, time to pack a fat lip.

-VM

8:36- Had a realization a few minutes ago. And it revolves around the fact that certain bros of mine were complaining about the Federal Government closing down while the Private Sector had to work.

First of all, the Private Sector does not HAVE to work. It's a PRIVATE decision. Strange how that works. If your boss is a prick, you work in this weather. If not, then you don't.

Second, let's just assume that it was as cut and dry as the babies in the Private Sector make it out to be. Why would that be? I even had New York bros complaining about it.

Hmmmm. I wonder. Could it be because the Federal Government matters more than you slovenly Private-sectorers?

I will leave it at that.

-VM

8:47- The only way I could count the beers I have drank would be to go through the garbage and count the empties. Bros don't do that, however. I'd say the total is around 13 as of right now, but don't quote me on that... especially since I still know how to use commas. Wait until the "blanshdasjkd"s start, and we can talk about my drunktaceousness.

-VM

9:37- I'm watching a show that most true blue bros can agree that they watch; but that some poser bros refuse to admit to. I'm sure you can figure it out at this point. It ends with -ost.

-PS: Starting to get drunk.

9:52- 16 deep, nothing impressive. Still trying to make this logical. Booooorrrrrr.

-VM

10:09- Drinking. Funny how more drinks=less words.

-VM

10:24- I went into my fridge and counted the cans of beer missing, and by my count, it is 8+10. A vicious blackout is well on its way, but we are not making huge progress just yet. I will be finishing my 19th and 20th beers in the next 20 minutes. Then, perhaps, a friend named Evan W will visit?

-VM

10:48- To edit, or not to edit. This will be the last one I edit.

-VM

Yeesh. Girls make this so easy for us bros to make fun of them:

10:59- Just had this convo:

[22:57] Vic: i feel great about not going to work, but some ppl are gonna be hurting tomorrow
[22:57] Vic: torn
[22:58] Girl: what do you mean
[22:58] Vic: all those amputees out there
---
[23:00] Vic: i just used that mini exchange for my new blog that im writing for
[23:03] Vic: wow they just showed a girl who went out to get groceries and ran out of gas
[23:03] Vic: how stupid can u be
[23:06] Girl: like outside your house
[23:07] Girl: ?
[23:07] Vic: well thats the point
[23:07] Vic: they flock
[23:08] Girl: shes a whore and deserves to freeze in a snow drift
[23:08] Vic: or be getting drenched in a different kinda snow drift, in my apartment.


You see, bros care.

-VM

11:15-
Hey! Just in case you come to BHOBH (Bro Hard Or Bro Home) for your Winter Weather News:

There will be no MARC service on any line on Wednesday, February 10, 2010 due to severe weather conditions. A decision about service for Thursday will be made Wednesday evening.

(Bros everywhere rejoice and get fucked up instead of worrying about work... again. You are welcome, bros. -Love, Barack Obrahma)

11:31-
What now? Really, what now? I'm off tomorrow. We're gonna get pounded with snow and 40 MPH winds. Drink? Sure. More updates.

-VM

11:37-
"We've never had two storms this close together around here"- Random Non-Bro

I am absolutely sure we have. However, we ARE getting destroyed now by this weather. I'm watching some news and they're interviewing dildos who say "we've never seen this before". Sure you haven't. You were a kid last time this happened. Stop crying. Stop complaining. Just stay in, idiots. Jesus.

-VM

11:47-
Watching penguins in "Southern" hemisphere? What the fuck?

-VM

11:54-

Just easier to do this than try to stay coherent:

[23:51] VM: im watching penguins too
[23:51] Girl: penguins?
[23:51] VM: yea on the tv
[23:52] VM: black cars smashing in the snow
[23:52] VM: pengins banging on the tv
[23:52] VM: penguins
[23:52] Girl: penguins dont bang!
[23:52] VM: i say they do
[23:52] Girl: NO THEY DONT!
[23:52] Girl: or do they...
[23:53] VM: me says yes
[23:53] Girl: omg they do
[23:53] Girl: UGH why did i youtube!

-VM

12:09-

Evan Williams.

I'm still watching TV. It's not funny.

-VM

12:24-

I spend more time wasting time on commercials than Whiskey and Dip. 10 minutes. What the fuck. Unbelievable. trying my best.

-CM

12:25-

I wish I was kidding.

-VBM

12:26-

A lot of ppl were worryiunbg about drinking tonight. Go ahead. Drink tonight..

-VM


.....................


..................................................

---------------------

I'd like to finish this right now.

My windows are getting dominated right now. Oh well. I'm gonna keep getting destructive, I think we can bang out with this.

-VM

Nope, not final post.

I want to black out, here we go.

12:59

Brian Adams - Heaven (subtitulado) | Music Videos | SPIKE.com

..............

We are in a blizzard, woooooooooooooooooooooo

26 deep.

-VM

1:35 AM- What to do now...

Drink more, I say... bros follow through with this:




--

1:56 AM-

Bronest Hemingway told me my wrongs. He was right about it. I don't know. He said I wasn't blacked out. He was correct.

I will tell you this. There is a pencil on my desk. Never before has that appeared. Ok, I'm gonna go count my beers.


2:02 AM-

Ok give me a break on this one:

Kid Rock is playing. I guess this is how it goes. We just drink. For me to claim that I'm blacked out would be a lie. Ok.

2:07 AM-

Nobody would care if I would wonder about this....

2:12 AM-

Yeesh. My abs beat those cans.
----------

That was the last post. I faded to black at 2:02. I'm going to black out again tonight, but I won't keep a log. Hope this was enjoyable.

-VM

Are the snowstorms fratty?

=

???????

This one's mostly for the Eastcoast bros - but all other bros should feel free to contemplate on it as well.

Now with the mountains of snow everywhere, the roofs that have collapsed under all the weight, all the car accidents, the billions of dollars being spent to clean it all up, the high school kids and the college kids all out of school, the ENTIRE federal government of the United States shut down and the above-ground metro rail in DC shut down for the foreseeable future, there's really only one question I can ask myself: "Is This Snowstorm Fratty?"

Now, we all already know, (Thanks to Vic - who you can all be sure is taking booze to the dome as I write this, and even as you read) getting snowed in provides the perfect opportunity to stock up for a weeks worth of binge drinking only to guzzle it all down in a couple days. We also understand that if you were somehow with a grouping of solid broheems before, during and after the storm - you got the rare chance to experience cabin fever in a way that's almost impossible outside of college: Brobin Fever...as I just coined the term. Snowed in and with a lot of booze, obviously...bros can turn any place, whether it be an upscale apartment, or a one-bedroom shanty, into a shitshow....as Vic and I found out this past weekend. Which involved broken chairs, piss in inappropriate places, clogged toilets, destroyed bathrooms, seas of empties Michael Phelps couldn't even butter-fly his way through, a damaged freindship here or there, and of course, a decent amount of blood.

So...Is the snow storm Fratty?

So far...I think we'd all have to say, Fuck yeah.

The next thing I'd like to bring up, is THIS. Obviously...setting records in a way that affects a great number of people is something bros have been doing for as long as time as been recorded.

So....Is the snow storm Fratty?

It's starting to look like there's not a question about it, I must say.

I won't talk about this next thing much since Vic flushed out the topic so expertly earlier, but obviously a hugely fratty component of the snowstorm is that it's getting all the bros in DC and Baltimore, (two of the most bro-tastic cities) off work. Fratty? Check.

The last important component of the storm I'd like to extoll is this: THIS STORM IS BREAKING SHIT LEFT AND RIGHT. You know the feeling you get when you're just shy of blacked out, and your bro goes into a fit of rage over something he misinterpreted...or is most likely just drunk, and he starts knocking pictures off the wall, or he smashes someone through some furniture, or if you're lucky enough to be on the sidewalk, starts knocking over newspaper bins? You know that feeling? It's a great feeling isn't it? Personally, I love that feeling. Because when I see one of my bros going over the top and breaking and/or vandalizing something, I know he just unwittingly turned the binge into something more than just the average blurry brown/black out. So when I think about how good it makes me feel when one of my bros breaks something that only affects a couple auxiliary people here and there...I just can't imagine what the rest of the weather gods are saying when they see their bro, snow, just shitting over all of us here on the East coast. I'm not sure what languages those bros speak in, but I can guaran-fucking-tee they're laughing their asses off every time a car slips off the road or a roof caves in...and most likely saying DILLIGAF.

Basically this snow storm can be equated to a bro-prank of epic proportions. So if you feel bummed out over the next couple days when you're shelling out twenties to day-laborers you picked up at the 7-11 to shovel your driveways, just understand you're a victim of the broverse, and don't forget all the great things the snow storm has done for you.

Stock Up, Bros

Hi, I'm Vic Mackey. And I'm a bro.

Bronest very eloquently summarized the virtues of bro-living. After reading his post, I ran out of my apartment, took off all my clothes, and brutally slaughtered a fully-grown steer and drank its blood.

I don't really want to dwell too long on introducing myself; lengthy diatribes are something I'm going to strive to avoid on this blogging go-round. I'll just say this, however: if you're not a clueless moron, you know there is a veritable glut of sites extolling the virtues of not giving a fuck, drinking tons, and banging hot chicks. I'm not sure how or if this site will be different or better; but in the hands of true-blue bros, there's no doubt it will still be great one way or another.
So, with that said, let's get into it.
---

The Federal Government is shut down after another weekend storm. There are piles of snow stacked 6, 7, 8 feet high outside. The city has already exhausted its snow removal budget for the winter season. And guess what, there's another storm prepared to dump more than a foot of snow on top of that. Honestly, God is just fucking with us now. But in any event, hurricane-like winds, driving snow, ice, and bitter-cold temperatures are on the horizon. When all is said and done, society as we know it will ground to a deafening halt. We're about to get snowed in. And we're bros, so you know we've gotta stock up.



For guys in the know, what I'm talking about is already clear. But for aspiring bros, and closet bros, you might be a bit confused. I clearly am not talking about buying gallons of water, canned foods, and other non-perishable food products; I can honestly live without any of those things for days, weeks, and even months. But the one thing I can honestly not live without during a snow storm... is booze.



Yesterday, still feeling crippled by the side effects of a 4 day bender (because of the storm, you see, followed by the Super Bowl, followed by having work canceled on both Friday and Monday), I made the uncharacteristic mistake of choosing a visit to the grocery store before a visit to the Liquor Store. Well, as you can imagine, I immediately regretted my momentary slip in judgment. Because when I walked into the grocery store, dozens of non-bros, closet bros, and women (clueless as always) were "stocking up" with cheese, butter, milk, and other food products. I was disgusted with myself, immediately turned around, was heard to utter "fuck this", and took a B-line to the bro haven that is the liquor store.

Now, what I purchased there was not important. There are several guidelines I follow for snow-storm booze compiling. 1) Too much is ALWAYS better than not enough. I think one of my worst nightmares is being stuck somewhere without any booze. When I die, I'm pretty sure my punishment will be an eternity stuck inside with no booze. 2) Depending on how long you're going to be stuck, variety is of utmost importance. Sure, I love smashing through case after case of swilly light beers, but some bros like to watch calories and/or prefer the finer drinks in life, like whiskey, gin, and vodka. And honestly, that's pretty much what you need to know when you "stock up".

But let's say for a second that the storm you get caught in is particularly epic and exceeds all forecasts for damage. In spite of all proper planning ahead, you and your bros might find yourselves exhausting your goods more quickly than you had expected. Uh oh. For losers with a confidence problem, this might be an issue. But you're a bro, so you've got this covered. Should you find yourself snowed-in without booze or beers, under no circumstance should you accept your lot in life. After all, when you get numerous bros in a confined area without booze, all they're going to do is fight each other and destroy things (which is what we do anyways, but at least when we're drunk we forget large details). Strap on your snow shoes, toss on some ridiculous animal skin hat, and fucking make as our ancestors did and brave the elements to reach a new frontier. A new frontier of drunkenness.

So with that said, pour one out for the snow... down your throat that is. Because you don't want to waste a perfectly good beer.

What you SHOULD have been doing last night, (bro).

Now we all know superbowl Sunday is the best excuse we have in America to binge drink, get sloppy, spill hamburger grease down our shirts and scream loudly and belligerently at the television screen through mastodonic mouthfuls of hot wings and booze. We understand that superbowl Sunday might be the one and only evening in America were it’s relatively acceptable to frat out on sidewalks and DILLIGAF the fucking sober civilians and scream obscenities at their fat girlfriends when they waddle on by to whole foods or some other bullshit, smarmy market she can go to and feel healthy. We get the fact that superbowl Sunday is the ultimate day-drink-booze-fest on the calendar. By that I mean that we understand that superbowl Sunday isn’t your average ‘Sunday-Funday’ (hate that term) – no…on superbowl Sunday, we need to take day-drinking so seriously that we can hardly remember the fourth quarter. Because here’s something we also understand: THE SUPERBOWL IS NOT ABOUT FOOTBALL. Once again: SUPERBOWL SUNDAY IS NOT ABOUT FOOTBALL. “The fuck?” You ask me, “BUT Bronest, what’s it about?” Well, minions, it’s about DRINKING. Superbowl Sunday is about binge drinking so hard you teeter on catatonia, it’s about taking so much goddamn booze to your dome you legitimately think you may have given yourself a stroke. It’s about throwing pizza slices and wing bits at your bro’s wall and screaming ‘DILLIGAF!’ if he takes issue with it. Basically, on supebowl Sunday, you should dilligaf every single thing…EXCEPT, of course binge drinking and dilligafing in itself.

Why??? WHY is binge drinking and dilligafing so important on superbowl Sunday? Why is it more important to get embarrassingly sloppy, drunk, drool-covered and caked with food stains on that day than any other? Because superbowl Sunday is the only true and pure bit of American culture we have. Because superbowl Sunday is quite literally our most favorite national holiday. Because even people who aren’t football fans get out there and watch the game and booze. So if you’re not boozing as hard as your body can…if you’re not dilligafing everyone you see…if you’re not operating with a complete and utter disregard for your responsibilities or your reputation…you’re doing nothing less than cock-slapping uncle sam right across the face. And here’s the point…here’s where it gets really sad…if all this is true, (and obviously it is) why is that so many spineless assholes are out across the country on superbowl Sunday, eating cheetoes out of a wooden bowl in someone’s smarmy living room, drinking sprite, applauding casually when their team scores or tears someone's head off, or saying something infuriating like, 'shoot' or 'frick' when their team fucks up? I'm not sure why some guys end up that way...but I also don't understand why some dude's boners leak when they see little boys, (well...actually I can, but....back to the point) - So I don't get it, but I am sure that some of those douchebags are closet bros, and all they can think about while they nibble on cheetoes with their two front teeth like dickless bunnies is how bad they want to frat out, binge drink, black out, and break at LEAST five of the things they see immediately around them. I KNOW that some dudes are out there with their mediocre girlfriends in their mediocre apartments surrounded by pictures of their mediocre parents and their mediocre friends, and in the back of their heads they just replay the memories from college when they used to get fratty in basements and piss out of windows onto groups of unsuspecting sorostitues on the way back from Planned Parenthood...they probably smile warmly when they remember the times they dilligafed dumb freshman girls and pissed in their beds when they were blacked out. I'd venture a large wager that memories like those are the only things this guy really has left, they might be the only reasons he still has any shreds of self-confidence left. And I KNOW that there are WAY too many closet bros out there, dying to be offensively impulsive, and of course, repulsive, but they're not. Because somewhere along the way they lost their cocks, their balls, their spines and their drinking hands.

So for all those guys...for of all you who performed last night like little, weak bitches with no spine and/or desire to binge drink and scream and break shit, I have these things to say: 'Your picture would make a great ad for birth control.' 'Your lifestyle makes me want to go back in time and abort your grandparents.' 'I guarantee your girlfriends all cheat on you.' 'The way you stand reminds me of back in college when I used to perform discount abortions with my bare hands and a beerbong - those dead babies looked like they had more self-confidence and hope than you douchbaggy assholes.' Get back out there and DRINK. Get back out there and go on a massive bender. Get out there and binge drink for AT LEAST three days straight, and on some early morning/late night you'll never remember, drink a little more, and head into the local waffle house, or denny's, or ihop, or really anywhere else you'd expect to find the lowest, fattest, greasiest people in America and go in there, steal a breakfast plate from a little girl and shovel it into your face...and when she starts crying, and when the egg is dripping down your chin, reach your head up and shout "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED????"

If that reminds you of your superbowl weekend in anyway, good job, (bro). If you had a weekend that resembled that at all, I applaud you; loudly, drunkenly, obnoxiously and genuinely, I applaud you. I applaud your dedication to youth and your dedication to binge drinking and irresponsibility. If not....I just hope to god you understand that that's what you SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING. And if you're too fucking weak and ass-backwards and dumb to recognize that........DILLIGAF.