. . . Gridlock might be a little extreme. Traffic is something we all deal with...it's one of the few common experiences non-bros and bros share on a regular basis. Of course...everyone hates traffic...EVERYONE. I don't care if you're a bro, a non-bro, or even a chick, you hate traffic. The question is, what do you do about it?In my last post...and in all of Vic's recent posts about skiing...we've been illustrating how one of the pillars of BRO is making things better for yourself. Instead of just lollygagging, sober down the blue squares with all the other pussies...get a little boozey and rock the black diamonds and get real loud and offensive on your way down...rock the mountain harder than it rocks you, etc. So...we all know how to apply this concept to a myriad of different things...boozing, fratting, dilligafing, slaying girls, doing funny shit and so on - but I've only recently learned the virtues of dilligafing in traffic...and how genuinely great it is. It really just improves the process ten-fold for any bro out there who gets plagued with huge traffic jams on a daily basis.
I recently was in a horrendous traffic jam...it took me about two hours to go ten miles...it fucking sucked. I was so angry in my car...if I could have I would have just started shotgunning beers in the driver's seat...chucking the empties at the other pissed off drivers...climbed out of my sunroof onto the top of my car...dumped like a caterpillar truck into my hand...and made it rain on all the windshields around my general area. I had no beer...and wasn't about to do that sober. I don't EVER want to go to jail...but if/when I do...I just better be drunk.
This traffic wasn't even necessarily highway traffic...it was the kind of traffic were a major highway empties out onto a major road in a town...not a residential road, but the kind of road that's only two lanes each way, and there are all kinds of shops and other bullshit along the side of the road, which obviously compound the traffic jam because all of the fucking brilliant assholes who decided to go to KFC or get their hair cut on that particular road at that particular time are all trying to force their way out onto the road from the parking lots with that fucking blank look on their faces as if to say, "The fuck? What's all this...what's with all these...cars and shit??" ---- Get a fucking clue, dumbass...it's 6:00 pm...it's one of the most traffic congested cities in the US...and you just HAD to go about your pointless business? Go fuck youself...or at least get some tint on your windows so I can't put a face with my hate. It'd be doing yourself a favor.
Now...this is really the best opportunity to dilligaf others in traffic. Highway traffic...even dead-stopped traffic is hard...there are so many cars around you really don't want to dilligaf anyone...the stakes are just too high. But this scenario...the one I found myself in recently, was PERFECT for on-the-road dilligaffing.
The first thing I did...indeed the first idea I had for dilligafing in such a scenario came to me when we were at a red light...I was at least thirty cars back from the light, and I was listening to rap music in my car. It was The Notorious B.I.G. ... bros can listen to all kinds of music, but if you didn't have at least ONE bro in college who had a biggie poster in his room...i'd have to check your bro card. Now my car has a pretty bomb system...it's not obnoxious, it's just tight, and it bumps pretty hard when I want it to. There was some asshole in a car in front of me...and he kept trying to catch my eye from his sideview...of course, I'd let him catch my eye, and I'd hold his gaze...originally just as a way to entertain myself I made a point of staring at him. Through his exaggerated gesticulation...I realized he wanted me to turn my music down. Honestly...(and this original reaction may have been non-bro...sorry if it was) I was concerned...I really hate the guys who are at a red light and their bass is so loud it shakes my mirrors, and I can't hear my own music. So ORIGINALLY...the feeling I had was one of courtesy. I looked around at all the cars around me...to see if anyone else was staring at me with menace. NOBODY was looking at me. I looked at all my mirros...none were shaking. "Okay..." I thought... "This guys just being an asshole." So I turned the music up louder. I watched him in the mirror...he shook his head, initially with a smile, as if he thought this was some kind of misunderstanding...then he gave me a tumbs-down sign, and moved it up and down...either telling me to turn it down, or practicing for later that night when he'd be thumbing his boyfriend's butthole. I nodded...then turned my music up even louder, and turned my sub almost all the way up. At this point...the people around me WERE staring at me with mean looks...ALL my mirrors were shaking violently. (This was a LONG light) But the guy kept staring at me...kept giving me those signals...so I turned it up a bit louder...and after deciding I'd rather keep my speakers and not dilligaf this guy any harder...I had another great realization... So I OPENED my windows...ALL of them. I must have been audible a mile away. Once the light turned green this guy made a point of getting out of my lane...AWESOME. Points for all the bros the world over.
The next idea for dilligafing came a little further down that road. When we were again stuck at a red light...but the light was so fucking far away I couldn't even see it. There was an obsese, very ugly woman in a black SUV...
.... WOW... What are the chances...that I'd find a picture of the above-mentioned lady on the internet?? Awesome. I love you, internet. Now...back to the dilligafing of this woman. She was trying to get out of a KFC parking lot and out onto the heavily congested roadway. Originally, I didn't take note of her. She was pretty far back in the lot, and was making it pretty obvious she was waiting for a better time to try and get out...I was RIGHT on the ass of the car in front of me...so I didn't plan on having to deal with her...and hadn't even realized quite yet how hideous the woman actually was. After about a minute of just sitting there...I see the nose of this black SUV pull forward, quite a ways, very quickly...it was...as if...no, it couldn't be that she'd suddenly decided to get in front of me, could it? Yep. Bros, that's exactly what this fucking fool of a woman was trying to do.
I'll try explain the positioning of the cars. The front of my car was probably about five feet from the end of the little parking lot off-ramp thing. Meaning, that if she wanted to get in front of me, she'd have to cut about an inch from my front bumper...that pissed me off. Naturally I moved forward about another foot...leaving me about an inch or so away from the car in front of me. Then...the ugly lady pulls even FARTHER ahead. THIS is when I took note of how filthy and hideous she was...I looked into her car...locked eyes with her...she was smoking a cigarette...with ALL the windows shut. Stupid bitch. I could see it in her eyes though, that she knew what was up, and that this was a competition. The traffic finally began to move a little bit...I moved up...she moved in. We were still locking eyes. I wanted to mouth, 'FUCK YOU' to the woman...but figured that A) That was too generic and B) this bitch did look bat-shit crazy to me... So I decided to pull an old, somewhat funny joke from way back in my brain...from my highschool back of tricks. I'm sure a lot of you did this across lunch rooms in high school when you were just beginning to realize how much a bro you were...you probably, at some point in your high school career, locked eyes with an ugly girl across the room, and mouthed the words "Olive Juice" ... then laughed it up with your bros. If you didn't do that...and it sounds really gay...fuck you. So...I did that...oh, I guess I should explain for those who don't know...when you mouth those words...it looks like you're saying I love you. Only it's for some reason funnier than if you'd actually said that.
SO. I mouthed Olive Juice...to that ugly woman...I did it real slow, and made sure she could see me. What'd she do? First...she stuck her cig in her mouth and gave me a big, fat, greasy middle finger. THEN...taking advantage of the space that had been created between me and the car ahead of me in the time it took me to fuck with her. She drives UP on the sidewalk for a second, then bounces down into the lane in front of me. WOW. I Hate that woman. She was the ugliest thing I've ever seen...and all I wanted to do was dilligaf her. I guess I did...since I made her get up on the curb...made her look insane to everyone who was watching...I'm sure the guy behind me would have let her in. But even though I hate her...between her flicking me off and her driving over the sidewalk just to best me....I can't help but think that if she weren't so ugly...and had been lucky enough to have been born with some balls...she may have been a bro - in another life.
I'm done. Pretty much. I just want to share another little anecdote from that same drive. I'm about five miles away from that dilligaf with the ugly lady. She's no longer in front of me. There's yet ANOTHER SUV trying to get out of a parking lot. My initial reaction is to MAKE SURE I win this won...and I was ALL ready to do it, until I took a look at the dude in the car. First. He was driving the same kind of SUV that I drive...and I liked that. Next...I noticed that this guy was in a sports coat, looking pretty professional...but was also listening to some kind of 80s music I couldn't quite make out, but he was rocking out pretty hard in that car. Next...I SWEAR TO GOD I saw this guy look both ways...duck his head down low, and swig what was apparent to me to be a beer. Needless to say...I was WOWED by this bro. It was SO obvious that he was a bro that I just let him in - we exchanged 'thank you' and 'you're welcome' waves...and I think we both knew why I let him in, and it can be summed up in the most important five words of our glorious English language : BRO HARD OR BRO HOME.
Perpetually Dilligafing,
- Bronest.
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