VIC MACKEY HATES A LOT OF THINGS, AKA "MANY QUICK HITTERS"

Hey Bros. Vic Mackey here. I can't really apologize for my laziness lately. Just been boozing too much, fucking around, and crushing weights. What else is new, right? In any event, I apologize. Starting next week (but perhaps sooner), I'm going to get back to posting regularly. But to make it up to you, I'm going to post a bunch of quick hitters... right now!!!

/Your excitement smells like a beer.

*Well, while Bronest accurately told you that March Madness/Fratness fucking rules, I can say that 2010 March Fratness went from being one of the most exciting tournies in recent memory to being one of my most hated. All thanks to those fucking cornfuckers from Kansas. I should have stuck to my theory that teams with a bunch of white dudes led by 1 speedy black dude always win. Oh well. I would pull for Cornell, because they fit my theory perfectly, but they're fucking NERDS. So how's this, I'll pull for them as my nerdy favorite and then I'll choose Washington as my non-nerdy favorite. I don't even know if that school has Bros anymore, but I'm assuming that, since Nate "The Great" Washington went there, they can't be that bad.

On another note. Fuck Scottie Reynolds. Flamer.

*As you know by now, Bros hate Hipsters. Well, I am proud to say that Bronest and I spent the past weekend waging war on Hipsters. We encountered several of this deplorable breed on the streets. And, when they refused to give Bronest a cig, we came out, guns blazing. Bronest inquired, "So you drink Pabst out of your BRO's Asshole?" I informed them that Owl City fucking sucks and that they probably didn't have any cigs because all they had were dicks for sucking. That'll show those fucking hipsters.

*St Patrick's Day happened. It's a sweet day, I guess. Though, in a true bro's view, it's just a day to drink a lot, only it's a lot more crowded wherever you go. Hey, guidos who decide St. Pat's day is a time to wear your ironic "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt! You should be hanged.

*Speaking of guidos, Ronnie and J Woww from the Jersey Shore are writing a book. I'm buying it.

(Kidding)

*Fantasy Baseball Drafts are the sweetest thing ever, and my next *real* post will detail my experiences with the last one I participated in. Here's a teaser: One of my bros went to the hospital after his blood pressure dipped to 72 over 46 from drugs and drinking.

*God I want to get in a fight so bad. Just throwing that out there.

*And finally, I leave you with this. There are no words for how BRO this video is:

March Fratness...

Hey, bros. Sorry there hasn't been hardly any updates recently...but don't worry - Vic and I have just been out getting inspired, i.e. Broing our fucking faces off.

This is just a quick message to all the bros out there broing hard. It's march fratness...bros the nation over love it...even if you don't watch college bball during the season, you know you do in March...why? Because this is fucking America, you assholes.

So this is just a message from us here at Bro Hard, wishing all you bros happy bracketing, happy boozing, happy bro-harding - and let's all have a great, completely blacked out March fratness.

And Remember...

BRO HARD OR BRO HOME.

Quick Hitter #2- Dear Bros

Derelicts of the World (yes I am talking to you, my fellow bros), I have an important message for you:

These sacks of shit are stealing our stuff!!!



Yes, what you see there is a grouping of hipster trash. The worst kind of non-bro (in my opinion, which is actually fact). Scrawny, pale, unclean, terrible fashion sense. Those are the calling cards of the hipster. You would think that shitty hipster trash would stick to what they know best: blowing each other, shitty music, and pensive glares into the distance. But NO. These assholes are trying to move in on our territory, and I am PISSED. Why? Because one of my favorite alcoholic beverages of all time (seen below) is now being associated with fucking hipsters. And that makes me SICK to my stomach. The beer in question?



That's right. One of the biggest bros of all time, Jesus Christ himself, loves Pabst Blue Ribbon. And now, scumbags like Pete Wentz are trying to glomb off of JC's steez. I don't really want to make this post very long, because the rage that builds with each word I type is immense; however, I must implore all of you bros of the world to do as any self-respecting bro would do should they see a dirty hipster with greasy matted hair and skinny jeans tucked into cruddy Converses walking around with their trendy Pabst Blue Ribbon: kick their shins in, stick your foot on their throat, snatch the PBR out of the suspect's hands, chug 3/4s of it and dump the rest on their face. THAT'LL LEARN 'EM GOOD.

Tips on DILLIGAFING people in traffic...an essential guide

. . . Gridlock might be a little extreme. Traffic is something we all deal with...it's one of the few common experiences non-bros and bros share on a regular basis. Of course...everyone hates traffic...EVERYONE. I don't care if you're a bro, a non-bro, or even a chick, you hate traffic. The question is, what do you do about it?

In my last post...and in all of Vic's recent posts about skiing...we've been illustrating how one of the pillars of BRO is making things better for yourself. Instead of just lollygagging, sober down the blue squares with all the other pussies...get a little boozey and rock the black diamonds and get real loud and offensive on your way down...rock the mountain harder than it rocks you, etc. So...we all know how to apply this concept to a myriad of different things...boozing, fratting, dilligafing, slaying girls, doing funny shit and so on - but I've only recently learned the virtues of dilligafing in traffic...and how genuinely great it is. It really just improves the process ten-fold for any bro out there who gets plagued with huge traffic jams on a daily basis.

I recently was in a horrendous traffic jam...it took me about two hours to go ten miles...it fucking sucked. I was so angry in my car...if I could have I would have just started shotgunning beers in the driver's seat...chucking the empties at the other pissed off drivers...climbed out of my sunroof onto the top of my car...dumped like a caterpillar truck into my hand...and made it rain on all the windshields around my general area. I had no beer...and wasn't about to do that sober. I don't EVER want to go to jail...but if/when I do...I just better be drunk.

This traffic wasn't even necessarily highway traffic...it was the kind of traffic were a major highway empties out onto a major road in a town...not a residential road, but the kind of road that's only two lanes each way, and there are all kinds of shops and other bullshit along the side of the road, which obviously compound the traffic jam because all of the fucking brilliant assholes who decided to go to KFC or get their hair cut on that particular road at that particular time are all trying to force their way out onto the road from the parking lots with that fucking blank look on their faces as if to say, "The fuck? What's all this...what's with all these...cars and shit??" ---- Get a fucking clue, dumbass...it's 6:00 pm...it's one of the most traffic congested cities in the US...and you just HAD to go about your pointless business? Go fuck youself...or at least get some tint on your windows so I can't put a face with my hate. It'd be doing yourself a favor.

Now...this is really the best opportunity to dilligaf others in traffic. Highway traffic...even dead-stopped traffic is hard...there are so many cars around you really don't want to dilligaf anyone...the stakes are just too high. But this scenario...the one I found myself in recently, was PERFECT for on-the-road dilligaffing.

The first thing I did...indeed the first idea I had for dilligafing in such a scenario came to me when we were at a red light...I was at least thirty cars back from the light, and I was listening to rap music in my car. It was The Notorious B.I.G. ... bros can listen to all kinds of music, but if you didn't have at least ONE bro in college who had a biggie poster in his room...i'd have to check your bro card. Now my car has a pretty bomb system...it's not obnoxious, it's just tight, and it bumps pretty hard when I want it to. There was some asshole in a car in front of me...and he kept trying to catch my eye from his sideview...of course, I'd let him catch my eye, and I'd hold his gaze...originally just as a way to entertain myself I made a point of staring at him. Through his exaggerated gesticulation...I realized he wanted me to turn my music down. Honestly...(and this original reaction may have been non-bro...sorry if it was) I was concerned...I really hate the guys who are at a red light and their bass is so loud it shakes my mirrors, and I can't hear my own music. So ORIGINALLY...the feeling I had was one of courtesy. I looked around at all the cars around me...to see if anyone else was staring at me with menace. NOBODY was looking at me. I looked at all my mirros...none were shaking. "Okay..." I thought... "This guys just being an asshole." So I turned the music up louder. I watched him in the mirror...he shook his head, initially with a smile, as if he thought this was some kind of misunderstanding...then he gave me a tumbs-down sign, and moved it up and down...either telling me to turn it down, or practicing for later that night when he'd be thumbing his boyfriend's butthole. I nodded...then turned my music up even louder, and turned my sub almost all the way up. At this point...the people around me WERE staring at me with mean looks...ALL my mirrors were shaking violently. (This was a LONG light) But the guy kept staring at me...kept giving me those signals...so I turned it up a bit louder...and after deciding I'd rather keep my speakers and not dilligaf this guy any harder...I had another great realization... So I OPENED my windows...ALL of them. I must have been audible a mile away. Once the light turned green this guy made a point of getting out of my lane...AWESOME. Points for all the bros the world over.

The next idea for dilligafing came a little further down that road. When we were again stuck at a red light...but the light was so fucking far away I couldn't even see it. There was an obsese, very ugly woman in a black SUV...

.... WOW... What are the chances...that I'd find a picture of the above-mentioned lady on the internet?? Awesome. I love you, internet. Now...back to the dilligafing of this woman. She was trying to get out of a KFC parking lot and out onto the heavily congested roadway. Originally, I didn't take note of her. She was pretty far back in the lot, and was making it pretty obvious she was waiting for a better time to try and get out...I was RIGHT on the ass of the car in front of me...so I didn't plan on having to deal with her...and hadn't even realized quite yet how hideous the woman actually was. After about a minute of just sitting there...I see the nose of this black SUV pull forward, quite a ways, very quickly...it was...as if...no, it couldn't be that she'd suddenly decided to get in front of me, could it? Yep. Bros, that's exactly what this fucking fool of a woman was trying to do.

I'll try explain the positioning of the cars. The front of my car was probably about five feet from the end of the little parking lot off-ramp thing. Meaning, that if she wanted to get in front of me, she'd have to cut about an inch from my front bumper...that pissed me off. Naturally I moved forward about another foot...leaving me about an inch or so away from the car in front of me. Then...the ugly lady pulls even FARTHER ahead. THIS is when I took note of how filthy and hideous she was...I looked into her car...locked eyes with her...she was smoking a cigarette...with ALL the windows shut. Stupid bitch. I could see it in her eyes though, that she knew what was up, and that this was a competition. The traffic finally began to move a little bit...I moved up...she moved in. We were still locking eyes. I wanted to mouth, 'FUCK YOU' to the woman...but figured that A) That was too generic and B) this bitch did look bat-shit crazy to me... So I decided to pull an old, somewhat funny joke from way back in my brain...from my highschool back of tricks. I'm sure a lot of you did this across lunch rooms in high school when you were just beginning to realize how much a bro you were...you probably, at some point in your high school career, locked eyes with an ugly girl across the room, and mouthed the words "Olive Juice" ... then laughed it up with your bros. If you didn't do that...and it sounds really gay...fuck you. So...I did that...oh, I guess I should explain for those who don't know...when you mouth those words...it looks like you're saying I love you. Only it's for some reason funnier than if you'd actually said that.

SO. I mouthed Olive Juice...to that ugly woman...I did it real slow, and made sure she could see me. What'd she do? First...she stuck her cig in her mouth and gave me a big, fat, greasy middle finger. THEN...taking advantage of the space that had been created between me and the car ahead of me in the time it took me to fuck with her. She drives UP on the sidewalk for a second, then bounces down into the lane in front of me. WOW. I Hate that woman. She was the ugliest thing I've ever seen...and all I wanted to do was dilligaf her. I guess I did...since I made her get up on the curb...made her look insane to everyone who was watching...I'm sure the guy behind me would have let her in. But even though I hate her...between her flicking me off and her driving over the sidewalk just to best me....I can't help but think that if she weren't so ugly...and had been lucky enough to have been born with some balls...she may have been a bro - in another life.

I'm done. Pretty much. I just want to share another little anecdote from that same drive. I'm about five miles away from that dilligaf with the ugly lady. She's no longer in front of me. There's yet ANOTHER SUV trying to get out of a parking lot. My initial reaction is to MAKE SURE I win this won...and I was ALL ready to do it, until I took a look at the dude in the car. First. He was driving the same kind of SUV that I drive...and I liked that. Next...I noticed that this guy was in a sports coat, looking pretty professional...but was also listening to some kind of 80s music I couldn't quite make out, but he was rocking out pretty hard in that car. Next...I SWEAR TO GOD I saw this guy look both ways...duck his head down low, and swig what was apparent to me to be a beer. Needless to say...I was WOWED by this bro. It was SO obvious that he was a bro that I just let him in - we exchanged 'thank you' and 'you're welcome' waves...and I think we both knew why I let him in, and it can be summed up in the most important five words of our glorious English language : BRO HARD OR BRO HOME.

Perpetually Dilligafing,

- Bronest.

Throwing Curveballs #1- The Joker is a BRO

Well, bros, it appears that your boi is just filled to the brim with bullshit this week, as the lying continues. As I mentioned yesterday, my intention was to write about why skiing is mega-bro. However, as I lay in bed last night, dreaming about beating up nerds, throwing empty whiskey bottles against walls, and smashing rare art over my knee, divine inspiration came to me. Yes. Me. Vic Mackey. Once that happened, I knew the skiing post would have to wait for another day.

I legitimately don’t know how the idea for this post came to me. I’m not a big superhero guy. Not into comics. I think Superman likes smoking pole and tossing dude-salad. But, for some reason, last night Batman and his arch nemesis, the Joker, popped into my head. Now, out of all the “superheroes”, Batman is probably the most bro; but that’s like winning a game of darts against a bunch of blind guys. Superheroes are straight up weenies. Batman doesn’t have any powers, so he just kicks people’s asses by outsmarting them. He operates at night. He’s rich as fuck. Those are all pretty bro characteristics. But when you compare him to his nemesis, the Joker, he looks like Chumpzilla. Before I tell you why, let me just list off some things that Bros really love:

Blacking out
Destroying shit
Swearing
Stealing
Lying
Cheating
Vandalizing
Gambling
Creeping
Offending People/Pissing People Off
Being sarcastic and cracking inappropriate jokes
Banging chicks

I think you know where I’m going with this, but you might not know exactly how I’m getting there. Clearly, all of those things would appeal to a sociopath such as The Joker. Does that mean us bros are sociopaths? Well, yes, some of us are. But on the whole, not really.

Really, what all of those activities have in common is that they are all geared towards achieving one thing, and the picture below will tell you what that one thing is:



Yes, now you see. The Joker, much like a true bro of this world, is an agent of chaos. When you watch “The Dark Knight”, you can’t help but notice that The Joker really doesn’t give a fuck about the money, or the power, or the fame. He doesn’t care about getting caught, or that people think he’s a fucking weirdo. All he cares about is fucking shit up, wreaking havoc wherever he can, and letting the haters of the world deal with his mess. It’s all about the chaos.

Similarly, while us bros DO enjoy drinking and DO enjoy offending people, the main goal is to make sure people fucking remember us long after we leave. That people are left to clean up the shattered pieces of whatever locale we have recently obliterated. Sure, chanting about abortion in the middle of a respectable restaurant is fun and hilarious; but the real allure to actions such as that is that every bro involved knows that, long after he has left, people will be talking about him. Whether they speak good or bad about the bro is irrelevant; in fact, I bet you that a bro would rather people talk shit on him long after he has left… because that means that they are fucking jealous of how much of a bro he is.

And you know why else The Joker is a bro? It’s because he is diametrically opposed to everything Batman stands for. And Batman stands for some pretty lame shit. Like order, and peace. The Joker probably isn’t even that bad a guy; however, he sees how much he can piss off a tight-ass like Batman, so he does everything in his power to make the winged fruitcake mad. And that is fucking funny.

So as I am apt to do, my brethren, I will leave you with some advice. This weekend, while you are out slamming beers and smashing out some fresh vaj, channel your inner Joker. Be an Agent of Chaos. Be a fucking Bro.

Have a good weekend.

Quick Hitter of the Day

I laughed at this headline. I am a bad person. But I don't care:

"Tsunami swept away 4-year-old son"

I didn't watch the video that came with the headline, because it's probably depressing. Here's a quote from it apparently:

The boy's last words before the tsunami: "Mama, the world is about to end!"

Nope. Just for you, kid. Shouldn't be living in Chile if you didn't want to get swept away by a Tsunami.

God I'm going to hell.

Mega Bro Post Part 2: Weekend Recap Day Two

Alright Bros, I think the trend of this week is “lying”, because I am going to renege on my desire to never half-ass any post. That’s right, I am half assing the other half of my weekend recap because I want to save up most of the material for tomorrow’s missive of the bro sport of skiing. I think you know where my vote on the current poll will go, by the way.

In any event, here are the highlights of the second day:

-Me feigning concern over the tsunami in Hawaii because I was concerned that Lost would have to stop filming there. Yes, I like Lost. Fuck you if you think I’m a worse bro because of that.

-Stomping very basic tricks like grabs and spread eagles and then pretending like we just pulled off a Johnny Mosely-esque mogul/aerial run for the Gold Medal. Applause from the chair lift follows.

-Making fun of a stuck moose in the woods/telling some knobs below the chairlift that we wish we knew the male moose mating call so that the stuck moose (presumably a female because a bro moose would never get stuck) would charge them and kill them.

-Drinking at the peak of the mountain and then almost injuring ourselves afterwards because we were already still drunk from the night before.

-Me blacking out HARD after drinking all day and creeping at the bar, buying (this is from someone else’s account of events) 5 shots in the span of 5 minutes after uttering “I really want to avoid blacking out tonight”. Stupid me. Why would anyone ever try to avoid blacking out?

-Waking up with blood on my hands and a nose that felt as though the moose face fucked me in the middle of the night. Finding out that it was from my bro throwing me across the room and me landing on my face. Jesus, blacking out is fun.

-And finally, just to summarize something that I don’t think I expressed here yet: me and my bros are far from being joke skiers. We were rolling with 6 bros, and I’d say that 5 of us bros (yours truly included) were among the top 10% of skiers, skill-wise, there. You see, this is what bros do. We act like fucking animals and clowns, but then we kick everyone’s ass that looks down upon us. Nothing better than seeing some uppity bitch sneering at us in the lift line as we talk about killing each other’s moms, and then following her around screaming DILLIGAF before blowing her off the slopes. Domination.

-I did not ski on Sunday because my body was ravaged. I did, however, buy a new pair of skis. I now own 2 pairs of skis, and that is fucking smarmy.

We are already planning a bigger, more bro trip for next year. See, bros, I have graduated from college. And, while it sucks that I can’t go to a rager every single weekend, it’s not all bad. Because, now that me and my bros have jobs, we can step up our bro-games. We stay in nicer places instead of cramming 10 dudes into some shitty Motel 6 hotel room. We can throw stacks of money around like we are Kid Cudi (even though we really aren’t). And we can do sweeter things like ski, gamble, and offend every single person around us on the reg.

With all that said, bros, I better get back to “work”. While I’m sure I won’t get anything productive done today, I’m betting that they’re not paying me to blog about killing my friends’ moms, threatening non-bros with moose mating calls, and getting a bloody nose while blacked out. Not like I care, but at least I can justify my laziness today. Check in tomorrow as I detail the best aspects of the great sport of skiing. Until then, here’s a beer for you:



Just kidding. If you got excited for a Zima, then you clearly also like Dungeons and Dragons, fruitcake.